For the first time in my life I can’t pay some bills!
Monthly Archives: February 2012
Right. Post, take wto, as somehow wordpress hit a glitch and lost my post.
I forgot about this project of mine. Then, I lost the password. Then, due to poor time management I didn’t get round to it.
Now, actually, I don’t have much time left. See, I have to get to bed on time, and before bed I need to varnish the tea box I spent my evening painting tea cups on. And cupcakes. And I somehow need to figure out how to do something with the rest of the varnish, as I had given up on trying to open the lid the normal way, and used a can opener to open the bottom of the tin. While this is an excellent way to get to your varnish, it’s perhaps not the best idea in terms of storage. But, now I have a deliriously cheery tea-party tea box to put my flavoured tea in.
Right. So, I formally have ADHD, combined type. I had myself tested, they confirmed my suspicion, and they sent me back to the ED centre. It’s a chicken-egg kind of thing with the eating disorder; as it’s main purpose is not to get myself to be some skeleton goddess; but to manage my ADHD symptoms. Some people are surprised to learn I have ADHD, others aren’t. A friend actually didn’t believe me, then asked to see the report, and then confirmed: ‘yes, that’s definitely you’. I’ve been given a few extra points on the IQ scale, so I managed to sail right through school (sometimes without even being there)… and I somehow struggled myself through university. Plus I wasn’t hyperactive as a kid; quite the contrary… I have DCD and anything involving gross motor activity asked a lot of focus and concentration from me… and I tend to avoid anything that asks a lot of focus and concentration from me unless I find it fascinating. ADHD symptoms didn’t really start being a problem until puberty.
On the outside, I seem sweet, pretty, innocent, organised and in control. I’m too good at keeping up appearances. The truth is; my life is a mess. I fought hard to get through medical school and still don’t know why the hell they gave me that degree. I’m not a bad doctor I think, but I’m not a good one either. The thing is, working the wards nearly killed me. I fried my brains for 4 months, doing stuff I can’t really do and doing long hours of it too. I hit a really bad depression, and I’m still not working those full long hours. The result: I’m losing my job. I don’t even know if the fight to get through med was worth it; being a doctor may not be suitable for me after all.
My social life is nearly non-existent. I’m intense and passionate, something people don’t seem to appreciate. My stories often seem exaggerated to others, making them dislike me. The problem is; I don’t lie or exaggerate. I’ve been through a lot. And I tend to get carried away; possibly making me seem not interested. Add that to someone who is always late and who forgets half of what you told her and, well… just leave it at not a fun friend. Or girlfriend. ADHD makes me selfish.
But, I suppose, never a dull moment.
If I can’t find another job that allows me to work normal hours and be paid for those hours (as a junior doctor, you’re actually underpaid, considering the amount of hours you’re making! The nurses earn more per hour than we do) and which would allow me to finish my therapy… I’ll be on benefits. Being on benefits means I won’t be able to afford my flat.
Last but not least: I am in debt. I’ve maxed out the credit on my checking account. Impulsive spending, mostly, and inability to think and plan ahead.
I don’t think my life has ever been such a mess. And it’s my own fault. ADHD is me, it’s part of me. I just never learned to manage it, because I never knew I had it. But if it weren’t for ADHD, my life would have been so much different!
Anyway. Think I need to go varnish the tea box and sleep.