Monthly Archives: May 2013


And the cycle is complete

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The cycles go quicker than they used to; I suppose it’s because I’ve become more resilient? This weekend was spent in Rebellion. I just did not do anything considered ‘useful’. No cleaning. No tidying up. Hardly any healthy eating, although I did go to an eco supermarket to find new healthy stuff to try out because that’s exciting. Shopping, but not really excessive. Jeans, which I do need actually, but I’ve been postponing getting them. (Because Levi’s are expensive, but the curve thing. I love them.) Ordered bikini tops, also something I need or foresee needing. One will be sent back, ordered 2 sizes. Sports bras, also very neccesary. (I have 4 old ones, I work out several times a week. 2 of the old ones still fit but have lost their support after 4 years and are now being promoted to lounge/yoga bras. 2 others theoretically still have some support left but don’t fit anymore, the idea is that the boobs go IN the bra, not around it). Bikini bottoms; I’ve ordered a black top in my actual size but because those things are expensive AND boring black I decided to get cheap but funky bottoms. Gift for a baby, a t-shirt, a bracelet and a pair of earrings. And now I’m done. Time to get ‘back on track’. I don’t feel too guilty over the shopping; it has been limited, my vacation will be cheap and the rest of my vacation money will be going to a better financial position. I can’t be good all the time; managing money really is the same thing as managing your diet. Except that I get to enjoy the earrings a lot longer than a piece of chocolate.

And apparently retail therapy works. Also, spending the day with a great girl works. I do feel better. The weather is better. Now I have to pick up the pieces, get on with life and hope I get a while before the next blow. That’s the downside of ADHD: this cycle. So, run, cook, clean up. Go to work; try to accept that only other people get to ‘be themselves’. Just another bit of hypocrisy in this world; just another illusion. And I shall continue to dream; if nothing else it’s a lot better than sitting at the dark side of the moon all the time, wishing that people weren’t so stupid.


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Posted by on May 27, 2013 in ADHD, Dear Diary, Rant


Somewhat less emotional.

I’m a bit of a drama queen, I admit. I seem to experience emotions quite intensely.

Yesterday’s issue still is unsolved, and I still can’t turn it around mentally. It’s something that may seem insignificant to others, and it’s embarrassing to me in some sense. Maybe it just hits me in one of my core issues. Cognitive behavioural therapy taught me to challenge such thoughts; except that it does little to help if the thoughts are realistic: chances are that I will be struggling with these issues all my life. I don’t know how to move on, and it does hurt. I don’t get very far with challenging thoughts about feeling like I’m defective in some sense: it’s called a disorder for a reason. Neither can I change the way society deals with those who don’t fit the mould.

And I’ve run out of ideas to change it.

I’ve cried so much over this yesterday. Something happened but I don’t want to discuss that on here. It’s not really something grand, at the moment I’m just really sensitive to confrontation. It’s hard enough to be super aware of your own failure in some aspects, to lose these battles more often than not. To be confronted with it by someone else is just… Devastating. I cried most of the afternoon, evening and night.

I did make it to work on time. I hope everybody is happy about that but I doubt they even noticed. It did not make me feel better about anything, the price is just too high. It’s like paying threefold for your coffee, while everyone else pays regular price. The coffee doesn’t taste better, on the contrary, you get a topping of feeling ripped off for free. You can decide to skip coffee and nothing will happen. I can’t skip being on time.

I do feel better after an evening with my family and Tall, Dark & Handsome (TDH). I did make too many stupid remarks, and I do feel bad over it.

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Posted by on May 24, 2013 in ADHD, Dear Diary


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Falling short

It happens quite often that I find myself wishing I was someone else.

Someone who doesn’t have to deal with failure on a daily basis.

Someone who has their shit together.

Someone who doesn’t have to spend a lifetime fighting battles others will never understand, only to wonder if it was worth it, because the only reward is the lack of something worse.

Someone who is able to reach their full potential, rather than fail to meet expectations they never asked for.

Someone who has a friggin normal cup size.

Someone whose reputation of being weird doesn’t reach people they’ve never met.

Someone who manages to be on time without drastic effort.

I just can’t get it right and I can’t bear the thought of another 60 years of failure. I don’t know how I can do things differently anymore. I feel like I’ve tried anything and everything. All I wanted was to fit into the ordinary world. That’s too much to ask, apparently.

So I don’t know. I really don’t know. I wish I could go far far away to someplace warm and friendly and sunny and where I don’t have to constantly fight to be someone I am not just to avoid my life being hell.

There is no such place. So please, anyone, how do I make it better?

And how do manage to get to work on time tomorrow??!

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Posted by on May 23, 2013 in ADHD, Dear Diary, Random, Rant


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Obsessive? BRAS!

Like many people, ESPECIALLY those with ADHD, I go through obsessions with random things. These obsessions are typically mild (I do in fact still function), and can last anything from hours to months. Some are recurrent. Sometimes I get bored of it mid-obsession and drop it. Usually I learn a lot, actually; sometimes it’s completely useless and sometimes it’s even healing in some sense. Sometimes I can use what I’ve learned in the future. At any given time I have at least one ‘running’ obsession. Although… I think at the moment I’m done with the last one and have no new one.

I do find it a bit embarrassing that I become pre-occupied with random things, but most things aren’t really embarrassing. Off the top of my head I’ve had: Running, working as a doctor in England (Yes, I am allowed to bring my pet rats into England), random topics covered in med school, nail art/nail polish, arts and crafts, the rats, female emancipation and the Bible, and of course just about any affliction I’ve suffered from. To name a few, and to point out how random they are.

To illustrate: My latest obsession is with bras. As with everythinhg else, it’s triggered by something: my 32D bras were chafing me and I needed new bras… Look, 50% of the population need bras, and if there’s some challenge to what you need it may result in ADHD obsession. This was a few months ago; and I found an old bikini in a 30D. So I decided to look for bras in a smaller band, because the 32D’s were chafing, riding up or slipping down.
And there my obsessive, sometimes hyperfocused journey through bra-fitting land begun. I discovered bra-blogs, online webshops and A variety of sizes have passed through… a variety of brands too. Some 30D, some 30E, some 28F, some 28FF…. As if to make it even more complicated, it seems like some of the tissue on my ribs decided to move to my boobs instead, and the band has to be smaller and the cup larger. I am actually proud of my own patience in this: I tried, tested and waited for bras from the listings to come my way rather than going for the full price at random webshops. No, they don’t really sell them in stores here. And yes, I insist on wearing a 28F, if I’m going to go through the hassle anyway, because the 2 30E’s I have have already stretched beyond support level band-wise. And I put up with actually not having enough bras to wear for a month (The 32D’s don’t hold my breasts anymore due to them beign bigger).
I was thrilled to discover a bra I bought in England years ago does actually fit like a dream now, it’s labelled 32DD but it’s the same size as the 28F’s.

And after a lot of obsessive reading, checking measurements of bras, actually THINKING before buying or ordering and a few non-fitting bras, stretched out bras and one bikini that didn’t last very long I’m actully quite excited to be wearing well fitting, comfortable bras. This has massively improved my body image, I always hated my boobs because they won’t look right. I hate the hassle I have to go through, and will continue to have to go through next time I need bras (because I won’t ever fit in 32-36A-D). But the result is that I’ve learned that my breasts can look good in clothes AND in bikinis. My clothes fit so much better without the illusion of saggy low-sitting breasts thanks to padded cups that were simply slipping off… And minor result: now all I have to do is be early in ordering bras, and go through bratabase to get info on them before ordering. So actually, this will save me time in the future, because before this obsession I was trying on bra after bra after bra, always going home with the same ill-fitting strapless which I could never use as such because the band was simply far too big.

Other obsessions sometimes end in a dead end, but I’ve learned from that. I’ve wasted too much money on nail art supplies for example. So now I do the research first.


Posted by on May 20, 2013 in ADHD, Dear Diary, Random, TallSkinnyCurvy


How to make orange look amazing

Dear Dutchmen, this is for you, thanks to Knotty Diva and her wardrobe talent!

Untitled #580.

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Posted by on May 19, 2013 in Uncategorized


We are all insane

This is absolutely marvellous!!

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Posted by on May 19, 2013 in Uncategorized


Healthy choices


From time to time I struggle with making the right food choices for my health, simply because.

I don’t really understand why.I KNOW that it’s really important for me to eat healthy food. I also DO notice the ‘positive reward’ from doing so almost immediately.

Apart from chocolate, I really get just about no satisfaction from most fast foods or unhealthy, processed stuff. Every once in a while chips are nice, pizza too. Pizza isn’t really fast food, especially not if I make it myself. It’s just that somehow it seems appealing, and I’m impulsive. Often I’m beginning to feel hungry and simply reach for the first available thing.

Maybe I should add that eating isn’t my favourite activity. I’d be perfectly happy if I could subsist on air and coffee, herbal tea and diet coke for most of the time, but it doesn’t really work that way. I never know what I want to eat, because I HAVE to eat. I can be picky, but it’s really because I have to make my meals tasty and interesting for me in order to get enough nutrients. Else I simply can’t finish it: forcing myself to eat something I don’t like typically only makes my antipathy towards eating worse.

Meal plans -made by ME- do tend to work, especially if I have a few ‘pre-approved’ options to choose from. ‘Pre-approved’ simply means that I do kind of have to do the groceries for it, and if I think about it in advance it’s more likely to be healthy. It’s just that I absolutely hate making the meal plans and doing the groceries for it. So more often than not I procrastinate doing it. Breakfast is easy. Lunch is a perpetual trouble: I hate bread, I’m too chaotic in the mornings to prepare it…. and I hit a blank when it comes to easy non-bread lunches.

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Posted by on May 14, 2013 in ADHD, fitness, Health


Running, ADHD-style.

The plan:
the plan
That’s about a 2.5K run, should take me less than 20 minutes and just enough to feel good. I was starting my Runners World 5k in 5 weeks programme, and it said 10 minutes but that’s hardly a challenge so I decided to start where I left off. I was supposed to run yesteday..but that didn’t work out for some reason.

As with many things as a Devastatingly Heavenly Darling, the run didn’t go quite as I planned.

The Result
what happened
Yeah… I kind of took a wrong turn somewhere, then kind of got my orientation screwed up. It went wrong in the woods. It was so pretty, so green, and so quiet. I kept on being distracted by it. And HEY look… a horse trail!! FUN! Oh HEY officers!
Now… eh… where am I? Oh, ok, Madurodam.
And then it starts raining. Hard.
3k to the centre? No, that’s too far, I think going the other way is shorter.
Eh, no, this is not where I want to go… turn back
Eh..wait, this MUST be a short cut.
Hmm this is really an amazing part of the city where I landed myself… Tennis courts? I THINK I know where I am? Finally… a main road…
Oh… crap… I’m a lot further than I wanted to be! But at least I know where to go from here…

I did actually run almost the entire first 4k of a total of 7.4k… not fast, but I ran. And this was fun, for the most part… a sort of mini adventure. And that was JUST what I needed. I’d been feeling really glum and bored lately. And my running clothes proved their worth! I only became cold the last bit, when it had actually stopped raining but my left knee was too sore to run on. I’m not at THAT fitness level yet, and for some reason my left knee always tells me when it has reached it’s limit. I hurt my left lateral collateral ligament in 2010 and ever since it has been an indicator of my legs’ fitness. Interestingly enough my right iliotibial tract has not bothered me at all! A year and something ago I went to the physio because it couldn’t take more than 15 mins running since I tore it in 2011. (Yup, I tore it. There was a hole in my iliotibial tract, my sisters pushed muscle back through the hole and it hurt like something else and took a year to recover!)
Anywy, so I walked the last bit, and that was a tiny bit cold towards the end.

For future reference: I have to get one of those iPhone arm things… my iPhone has GPS. My iPod Nano doesn’t.

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Posted by on May 8, 2013 in ADHD, Dear Diary, fitness, Health, Random


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Running faster than my legs?

So, this is another of my ‘projects’ that tend to go at an odd pace. I signed up for a 5K race in June, the goal being getting fit again and making a habit out of exercising. I WANT to run the entire race and preferably finish faster than 30 minutes.

But I am having trouble with the whole thing. My iPod nano tracks all my runs, and seems to be more accurate than when I used the Nike+ system with the shoe sensor. That doesn’t mean the running goes all too well all the time, and I go from frustration to frustration trying to fit in exercise with normal life. Today, I am tired. The other day, running didn’t work.

Yesterday, I went to body balance and it sucked.

And of course, I want to do it right, and sometimes I just can’t seem to manage and we’re still talking baby runs here.

I feel like my intentions are faster than my body and so on.

And I am scared I’ll fail at this simple goal: run a 5K.

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Posted by on May 2, 2013 in Brilliant ideas, Health