I’m a bit of a drama queen, I admit. I seem to experience emotions quite intensely.
Yesterday’s issue still is unsolved, and I still can’t turn it around mentally. It’s something that may seem insignificant to others, and it’s embarrassing to me in some sense. Maybe it just hits me in one of my core issues. Cognitive behavioural therapy taught me to challenge such thoughts; except that it does little to help if the thoughts are realistic: chances are that I will be struggling with these issues all my life. I don’t know how to move on, and it does hurt. I don’t get very far with challenging thoughts about feeling like I’m defective in some sense: it’s called a disorder for a reason. Neither can I change the way society deals with those who don’t fit the mould.
And I’ve run out of ideas to change it.
I’ve cried so much over this yesterday. Something happened but I don’t want to discuss that on here. It’s not really something grand, at the moment I’m just really sensitive to confrontation. It’s hard enough to be super aware of your own failure in some aspects, to lose these battles more often than not. To be confronted with it by someone else is just… Devastating. I cried most of the afternoon, evening and night.
I did make it to work on time. I hope everybody is happy about that but I doubt they even noticed. It did not make me feel better about anything, the price is just too high. It’s like paying threefold for your coffee, while everyone else pays regular price. The coffee doesn’t taste better, on the contrary, you get a topping of feeling ripped off for free. You can decide to skip coffee and nothing will happen. I can’t skip being on time.
I do feel better after an evening with my family and Tall, Dark & Handsome (TDH). I did make too many stupid remarks, and I do feel bad over it.