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Monthly Archives: July 2013

Relaxing… How do we do that again?

I’ve had a crazy work schedule lately.

Actually, I’ve had a crazy work schedule… most of the time… because I work a crazy job. Details details details.

Anyway.

It’s my evening off, and time to relax. Except, turns out, I’m not particularly good at this whole relaxing thing. I don’t know. Too many distractions, a too distractable mind… too many brilliant ideas? I mean, should I go blogging, should I work on my spice rack, should I read a magazine, should I watch TV and what am I going to wear tomorrow?

I have had times in which I can relax. Brief times, an hour or two maybe. Usually when the rest of my stuff is done and my house doesn’t resemble a small war zone.

Usually after a lovely work out.

Usually not when my living room is sprawled with the 10 000 brilliant ideas I think I’m working on. Usually not when I haven’t been working out. Usually not when my diet consists of things that shouldn’t really be considered food combined with a relatively small proportion of actual food.

I need to get my shit back together. AGAIN.

I need some rest.

Help?

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Posted by on July 30, 2013 in ADHD, Brilliant ideas, fitness, Health, Work

 

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Blogging

I’m having so much fun with blogging, actually! I’m buzzing with new ideas… as always. Come to think about it, having 10 different ‘active’ projects is status quo for me. 

I’ve had several blogs in the past, most were more journals.. and then there was the Doctor Blondie blog… Not too bad actually. It just kind of died when my first year as a doctor was over and I went on to my current job. At some point, being a doctor is just a day to day thing. It’s my job. Also, patient confidentiality was an issue and remains an issue. It’s easier to write about a guy with a low heart rate anonymously than it is to write about my current job anonymously, especially if I were to do it more frequently and on a doctor blog. I may take it up again, low-frequently, as I enter a new phase in my career. 

This blog, A Devastatingly Heavenly Darling, remains my favourite one. It’s more ‘me’, and I feel more free to play around. I get to create things in my own random, bouncy and rambling style. Yes, it’s about life with adult ADHD. That’s my life. ADHD is a curse and a gift. At the same time, it’s about just plain living life. 

I’ve been nominated for a Liebster award by Rika a few months ago. I’ve never ‘come around’ to taking it up, but the truth is that at the time, I was still just getting into this blog and I hadn’t discovered enough amazing blogs to consciously nominate yet. So, I will be doing that soon. 

I suppose I have some site updating due!

And then…. I decided to split up part of the blog and start a style/fashion blog. The Busy Darling Style Files will be the new home of Tall Skinny Curvy and much more. It’s still under construction. The reason: style and fashion has been a thing for me for ages, and most of it is not relevant for A Devastatingly Heavenly Darling. I’m updating the Tall Skinny Curvy brand list, given it it’s own page. My place to broadcast my style. 

Hopefully there will be many more happy blogging hours!

 
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Posted by on July 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A very big picture

ADHD people have a lot of imagination, they say. Originality. And often, they have strong moral values, and have thought about deeper things in life. For the record: we kind of have to.

Check, I suppose. Lately I’ve been pondering the bigger picture, imagining what the results could be.

What if we all massively and consciously lived according to the core of Christian faith? Love The Lord (and thus his creation), and love your neighbour as yourself because you have been saved? What impact would that have on, say, world peace?

What if IVF were not as available? Or weren’t available at all? Would that change anything for motherless children? Is IVF really macro-ethical? Would it change anything for women?

Would less people mean a more sustainable earth, or are we too far gone for that?

One of my favourite fantasies, a movie script in my head: a few honest and loving people get appointed to zap out those who the world is better off without: people who live only for themselves, people who abuse others, rapists, animal abusers, those who show no intention to work towards a better place for all, those who have no respect for others and the world around them. Or maybe it’s a virus, or angels, wiping out these people. And then, we build a great place for all.
Oh, wait, come to think about it, it’s not really a new script. Judgement day… I watch the fireworks, knowing I am safe because all is well with my soul. Serene; I have cried enough over this rotten world. Or something like that.

What would it be like if feminism truly has made itself obsolete? It would be amazing, I think! We could all be human, male or female. (Or something in between, in some cases?) I imagine a society in which sexism is frowned upon by all. For example.

What would the world be like if we had more female leaders?

Scrap that, what would the world be like if we had more leaders who put their people in front of themselves? More leaders who truly understood their responsibility. More leaders with vision.

What if Ubuntu was the way of the world?

And why the fuck don’t people care? Honestly, an answer like ‘I like the picture, but….’ only makes me want to punch you. If you like the picture of an ideal world filled with love, then shut up and do something.
Every small thing counts. I’m no naive idealist. I know the dream is far away and reality is harsh. But that won’t change if you go on butting.

What if medical research weren’t fuelled by egos? Why do lab animals need to suffer and die to possibly help someone slightly better than before… When the disease in question is caused by people making bad choices and refusing to change!? Why does the sheep have to suffer because you don’t want to quit smoking?

Newsflash: we’re all going to die. Why don’t people get that? News flash 2: illness and accidents happen to all of us, you don’t control as much as you’d like to. What is so hard about taking care of your body and mind and being thankful for the rest?

Am I weird if I feel that I may have a point sometimes?

And one other thing: dear beggars, scheming petty thiefs and people trying to get me to donate to various charities: STOP bugging me. I know you only approach me because you judge me as someone who will bite. Easy target. It’s offensive and dealing with you every time I go somewhere is annoying. Go ask the man walking right in front of me, please. I am not as sweet as you think I look, and yes, it’s heart breaking but so is everything else. Dear beggars, if I have food on me I’d be happy to share. I’m not paying for your booze, weed or smokes. Plus, I’m not taking my purse out, I grew up in a place where the license plates read Gangsters Paradise.

Dear lady who was hungry, said she was 4 months pregnant but looked too old to conceive and tried to get money off me: see above. Also, I considered phoning work to see if someone lost a patient. I’ve seen those tattoos before.

 
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Posted by on July 23, 2013 in ADHD, Brilliant ideas, society

 

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Trying to fly over the cuckoo’s nest?

I work in acute psychiatry, I deal with the extremes on a daily basis. Even then, you don’t see this very often:

She’s somewhere in her early twenties, and had been phoning 112 persistently, but the operator had no idea what she was talking about. Police went in and found her, barefoot, with half her hair chopped off, the strands still clinging to her. She explained to the male officer that he had raped her, then went on about one side of her body being good and one being evil. And asked to be helped, not hurt. She couldn’t tell them het name, but she did wee in the car.

They phoned us, after taking her in to the station.

Her behaviour was erratic, she even tried to fly. She spoke like a child. She wanted to talk to the nurse but didn’t want to talk to him. She had no idea what she was doing, and was obviously hearing quite interesting things and when asked if she was hearing voices reacted as if it was an epiphany. I could make very little sense out of her. But, good to know that she had no intention to sleep with either the nurse or the senior officer. Not that either was thinking of that. I still don’t know her first name, but she tried to walk through me. All while holding on to a serene expression. Considering that she couldn’t even make sense out of the question of wether she wanted help and be admitted (I help myself, and I am both good and evil, please don’t hurt me? I will stay here then… -but you can’t stay at the police station- well that is your problem)…we decided to admit her under the mental health act.

She’s very unwell. And unsafe. What if she tries to fly off a balcony? Or cross the road for that matter?

She was happy to be admitted against her will, and thrilled that there was an ambulance coming because she wants to phone an ambulance because she needed help…..

 
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Posted by on July 20, 2013 in Acute Psychiatry, Dear Diary, Work

 

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Image

Time?

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Home at 00:45. I am tired.
I woke up tired. Daylight savings leaves me with a summer jet lag. 22:30 sunsets and my melatonin levels don’t like each other.

My med schedule doesn’t add up for tomorrow. The times don’t add up, I need either an hour more in my day or two hours less.

Time. Time confines, time is cruel once you learn to tell it. It doesn’t get better if you make a clock out of a recycled clock work, an old record and nail polish.

It’s still something that ticks away mercilessly, never considering that you need more of it.

Time to go to sleep, I’m doing weird talk.

I am tired. Really tired.

I would love more free time. Why is it called free time, time is never free!

Imagine life without clocks. Time would be kinder for people like me. Meal time would be when I’m hungry, bed time when I’m tired and its been dark for a while. Nobody could blame me for being 3 minutes late, because there would be no minutes.

Time, as in the progression of it, has always been there. Man invented hours and minutes. Time has rhythm. Rhythm I can handle. There’s always the next beat, the next sunset, the next hunger pang, the next full moon. Nature doesn’t remind me of passing minutes.

Good night.

 
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Posted by on July 19, 2013 in ADHD, Random, Rant, society

 

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So… is this how normal people work?

This week my methylphenidate (concerta+ short acting) got upped to the max dosage I can have. The dosage I was on never was quite enough, but when I tried a higher dose last year it was too much for me.

It does seem like my meds have been working ‘less well’ lately, but it’s really hard to quantify it. The reason I did talk to my psychiatrist about it was that I’ve had some issues at work and also out of work that were ADHD related. Tardiness, due to fluttering about when I needed to get going… impulsive remarks, restless behaviour. True, none of those things have ever been ‘managed’ well enough, and trying to control them is really exhausting. My concentration hasn’t been superb either, but hell, what do I know? The goal is more or less ‘normalcy’ but I wouldn’t know what that’s like. So, yes, on average I managed to focus a lot better than without meds… and I had a lot less moments in which I’d be seemingly tranquil from the outside, so the hyperactivity was more obvious. The problem was, that the only reason I looked so tranquil, was that my head was so busy that I didn’t have any brain space left to control my motor function.

Then of course, there was the less-than-amusing incident where I accidentally took my Concerta twice because it felt like I hadn’t taken it at all. I was quiet.. very quiet… and my body was very very tense, heartbeat must have been over 100 all day long! No, I didn’t become ‘hyper’… I felt like a zombie. And I fell asleep exhausted when it wore off.

So, up goes the dose… and actually I feel fine. Focus is fine. Sitting through a meeting at work went relatively fine. The first day I was still late for work but that was partly because Starbucks used regular milk in my latte instead of soy milk and I only noticed that when Lactose Intolerance kicked in half an hour later…and partly because the pharmacist needed 20 mins to help me rather than the 10min tops it usually takes.

The next day I found myself at work at least 10 minutes early… greeted with ‘Have you noticed that you’re 10 minutes early?’. Yes, in fact, I had. I simply found myself ready to leave a lot earlier than usual, and had nothing better to do than to leave for work after pondering about it for a few minutes. Is that how normal people do it?

I’m definitely less ‘busy’, more focused and less fluttery… but also maybe a bit more tired. We’ll see how it goes in the end.

 
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Posted by on July 13, 2013 in ADHD, Work

 

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Adventure of the month: Take a holiday to Spain… (june 2013)

Right. So that whole ‘adventure a week’ idea didn’t work out so well. Some weeks are just not very adventurous, and I don’t really enjoy writing about trying out a new recipe or seeing a movie and calling it an Adventure. Although, sometimes a movie can be fab enough. And I am very proud of myself for upgrading a recipe to something yummy and healthy.

Last week I returned from a short trip to Spain. I went to Zaragoza, where TDH is from, and saw where he grew up and met some of his friends. I tried to understand some Spanish. (I’ve read the introduction of ‘Spanish for Dummies’ in Dutch. Perhaps I should have read the first chapters as well, but that didn’t happen. I should have ordered the English one instead I think, learning a new language from your second language seems like second best…).
Anyway. Here is a brief visual impression of my trip…. oh, it was also very romantic!

night

night


Nightlife! Well, evening life.

booze

booze


Requires no explanantion.

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Romantic, sweet breakfast for 2

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Old-school blogging!

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Exploring the city, in the warm sunshine. just look at that sky!!

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Cooling down, Plaza del Pilar

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We’re off to see the Wizard… (Mago = wizard) I don’t know why Dorothy fussed with the yellow brick rode and her misfit companions… she could have just taken the tram!

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Holland is not a very welcoming country to arrive in!

I’m such a lucky girl!!

 
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Posted by on July 10, 2013 in Dear Diary, Monthly Adventure

 

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