This week my methylphenidate (concerta+ short acting) got upped to the max dosage I can have. The dosage I was on never was quite enough, but when I tried a higher dose last year it was too much for me.
It does seem like my meds have been working ‘less well’ lately, but it’s really hard to quantify it. The reason I did talk to my psychiatrist about it was that I’ve had some issues at work and also out of work that were ADHD related. Tardiness, due to fluttering about when I needed to get going… impulsive remarks, restless behaviour. True, none of those things have ever been ‘managed’ well enough, and trying to control them is really exhausting. My concentration hasn’t been superb either, but hell, what do I know? The goal is more or less ‘normalcy’ but I wouldn’t know what that’s like. So, yes, on average I managed to focus a lot better than without meds… and I had a lot less moments in which I’d be seemingly tranquil from the outside, so the hyperactivity was more obvious. The problem was, that the only reason I looked so tranquil, was that my head was so busy that I didn’t have any brain space left to control my motor function.
Then of course, there was the less-than-amusing incident where I accidentally took my Concerta twice because it felt like I hadn’t taken it at all. I was quiet.. very quiet… and my body was very very tense, heartbeat must have been over 100 all day long! No, I didn’t become ‘hyper’… I felt like a zombie. And I fell asleep exhausted when it wore off.
So, up goes the dose… and actually I feel fine. Focus is fine. Sitting through a meeting at work went relatively fine. The first day I was still late for work but that was partly because Starbucks used regular milk in my latte instead of soy milk and I only noticed that when Lactose Intolerance kicked in half an hour later…and partly because the pharmacist needed 20 mins to help me rather than the 10min tops it usually takes.
The next day I found myself at work at least 10 minutes early… greeted with ‘Have you noticed that you’re 10 minutes early?’. Yes, in fact, I had. I simply found myself ready to leave a lot earlier than usual, and had nothing better to do than to leave for work after pondering about it for a few minutes. Is that how normal people do it?
I’m definitely less ‘busy’, more focused and less fluttery… but also maybe a bit more tired. We’ll see how it goes in the end.