Monthly Archives: October 2013

Voertsek, black dog!

I’ve been going through a bit of an introversion phase lately.

Everything that has been going on has exhausted me more than I expected, and while the idea was to have a few nights’ good sleep and be fine, that plan A didn’t work so well.

I’m baffled.

I found myself showing depression prodrome symptoms, I was seriously Godzilla with PMS. I may or may not have ruined my interview by being nervous. I’m never nervous.

Poor TDH.

So about a week ago, I called in sick. Murphy and me had a date again: OF COURSE I had night shifts. (Just like it started raining just as I walked out the supermarket on the day that no rain was predicted, and on the day that it WAS predicted I used public transport only for it not to rain. Never mind!). Night shifts would have been the final blow.

My normal emotional roller coaster resembles one of those wooden rides, the Cowboy Coaster type. (Normal people would be the teacups, me think, or the carousel) Now it was the Tower of Terror.

Boss was very understanding, and actually prohibited me to work.

And I focused on ‘recovering’. Doing pleasant things, getting A LOT of sleep. My intention was to exercise, but I was too exhausted to do much. I was shocked to find myself completely exhausted after going to church. I left my phone at my home, TDH went and picked it up for me.  I did some creative things, actually bought a Moleskine A4 sized sketch book to take up drawing again, along with a set of pencils (HB, 2B, 4B and 8B). And gummi. I’ve made a few cards, I’ve been running out of those. Small practice-creativity.

SHOO, black dog, voertsek, I don’t want you here! Get the fuck out, mr Chartwell!

Slowly I seem to be recovering. I seem to have dodged the bullet.

Now I need to stabilise.


How screwed up is it that all of this is triggered by the noise of the ventilation system and the stress related to that?


And for anyone who has dealt with that ordeal: read this book!
Mr Chartwell link

Mr Chartwell



Posted by on October 26, 2013 in ADHD, Health


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A situation….

I need some advice here.

Long story!

A year ago I moved from Cheesy to the Big City, into a presumably nice appartment where I was planning to stay until I got married or similar. Put in a lot of effort to make it a home.

In November they cleaned the ventilation system, before that it was silent. It’s centrally regulated, and I can’t do anything about it. It was set on 90% during peak hours and I think 50% during off hours and 20% during the night. Peak hours were really annoying, but they passed. The air was OK. The system sucks air out, and it should be pulled in from outside.

Somewhere in the summer, I think when I was away, a little old lady complained of black stuff in the bathroom. (This may or may not have been caused by something other than the ventilation system, such as not using common sense or a local obstruction). Result: system has been set on 80% 24/7. The noise level seems comparable to being in a plane.
Slowly but surely this began to take a toll on me. It influences my concentration, up to the point where I don’t know what I’m doing. I became unable to relax physically, it kept me awake at night. I put on the TV just to have a more pleasant sound around. I had an ear infection too, I think ear plugs had something to do with it.

In August I had the whole asthma drama.

Due to complaints by myself and others, the system was set to low during the night. That is, between 00:00 and 06:00. At least I could fall asleep. I never slept before 1AM, simply because my body needed some time to relax. And then there was the rattling issue, which was fixed… and all the stress probably did nothing to prevent the labyrinthitis. The latter is going better. I woke up at around 6-6:30 due to the sound, but those few hours did make a difference. I found myself looking forward to midnight. I had more and more trouble getting things done, and was late with absolutely no explanation and I couldn’t even figure it out myself.

Then, a week and a half ago someone on my block made a flyer about fungus and ventilation. The whole thing looked rather paranoid and irrelevant. I e-mailed the guy, explaining that there’s no issue with that here. Turns out he’s a paranoid nut, who referred me to a psychiatrist because I, as a doctor, claim to know something about asthma. Fun, did he just refer me to myself?

Apparently this dude also threatened the owner of the building (25% rents, 75% owns, but the owner of the 25% I assume) with a law suit for poisoning him. So, the system was set to 80% again.

This kind of was my breaking point. I spent a night trying to sleep, trying to hide from the sound, only to become very tense as soon as I go to the loo. Which was often, because among other muscles, my bladder was tense too. It cost me all my self-control to not go up there and scream or beat the shit out of this dude. (We’ve already established that I’m strong if I’m mad…) The janitor knows I have issues with this, so does the person involved with the owner.

I fled my house the following day and am slowly relaxing again. The stress the noise was putting on me was putting me in danger zone for depression, and the rest of my life is really going well. I’ve learned that I can go from fine to a complete wreck in less than 4 weeks, so I’m not playing around with that. I’m crashing at TDH’s place now, trying to figure out what I could and should do.

Yesterday I discovered, that apart from the noise, the system also seems to be doing the opposite of what it’s supposed to do. I got home and it smelt like old cooking, which I’m not guilty of since I aired it while and after I last cooked more than a week ago. The air was stale and horrid, after just 3 days… despite supposedly being ventilated. It never was this bad. Sort of clicks: subconsciously I’d been airing a lot more over the last weeks and not only because it was summer. This problem is bigger, and I guess expensive to solve.

Do I fight for the place? I rent it. I really doubt it will result in a good living environment in which I’m going to be able to live and study without any issues. It’s a nice place apart from this, on a great location and for a reasonable price.

Do I move out?
It won’t be easy to find an affordable place with a reasonable location in the Big City, and I don’t want to stay somewhere else because I’ve got my life here. Plus, my other option would be Unitown, which will be even harder. (I applied for training there). Took me a year to find this place to begin with. Plus, I don’t know for how long I’m going to stay in a new place, as TDH and I will probably be taking the next step at some point.
I could move in with TDH, but this is not exactly how I planned this thing. At the moment it’s the most peaceful place to be for me. The most healthy.
(I’m also flattered by the amount of beds I’ve been offered: there are so many amazing people around!).
Moving in together wouldn’t be how I imagined it, not like this. Due to my beliefs and my cultural background, I want to get married. He understands that.
And I honestly have no idea what Jesus would say….

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Posted by on October 8, 2013 in Dear Diary, Health


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