Monthly Archives: November 2013

Ich Liebe Dich!


Yup, I got one! CeeLee nominated me! (Go check, she’s pretty amazing!). Basically, the idea is to pass this award on to 11 other bloggers who are ‘up and coming’, aiming to inspire and share. 10 questions are asked, you answer them, and ask 11 in return for your nominees to answer.

She asked these questions:

1.On a scale from 1-5, with 5 being scared stupid, how afraid of dark are you?
Not at all. So I guess 1? That allows for the odd startle when you hear a funny noise, right?

2.Who is the person you never want to meet in a back alley?
Er, given my current job (psych crisis team) I’ve encountered a few.

3.What’s been your favorite age to be, so far?
I don’t know. I’m quite happy being 27!

4.If you could create a half-hour TV show of your own, what would it be and what’s the name?
I’d actually fantasised up a show with an atmosphere of MTV’s Underemployed (well, before that was actually made) mixed with Scrubs but about med students and how screwed up many of us really were. It had no name yet.

5.What’s your all time favorite quote?
‘Four legged mammals do not have claVIcles, they use their corpses to carry around their weight’. (my anatomy prof in 2nd year of med school). I don’t know, no reason, it just always pops up in my mind when people ask me to name a quote. His Dutch was better than his English, and this quote is from an English lecture he gave…

6.What is the one thing you do best?
Be random

7. Can you dance? (twerking does not count) How well?
Actually I CAN dance and I should dance more. Not very well anymore, but I could do some salsa as a student. And rumba. And the Waltz to some extent. And I busted my lateral collateral ligament in my knee doing an advanced streetdance class when I was a beginner.

8.Bigfoot exists. Yes or no?
Yes AND no.

9.What was the worst auto correct fail you’ve had?
Nothing springs to mind really. Most of mine really are due to not having an Afrikaans dictionary on my iPhone, and the phone changing words from one language into the other. The last funny one was ‘Siesta’ being autocorrected into the Dutch spelling (with two dots on the E, which I can’t figure out how to do in WordPress) in a Dutch sentence and TDH correcting it to the Spanish spelling when autocorrect actually did it’s job for once… not really funny is it?

10.Do you dream in color or in black and white? 

Here are my nominees:
1) Zest and her Sunshine Scrapbook: A rat-owner from Jo’burg who definitely lets the South-African sun shine through your computer screen! 

2)  Alec’s Progress, written by his dad. Alec is a boy with leukemia, and this blog is just… beautiful and real.

3) CriminalMassWorderer. This guy has a way with words, and a certain way with his ADHD…. and SHOULD be writing more often but please finish his degree first!

4) Flux and Flow technically isn’t an ‘up and coming’ blogger anymore, she’s pretty much soaring but with good reason. This girl really is an inspiration to be positive despite adversity.

5) Is Anyone an Idiot but Me? Surely we all wonder that? Time for your weekly idiotology class!

6) Sunlight Beauty. Finally, NOT just another beauty blog. I especially like her blogs about out-of-the-box beauty solutions. 

7) Tales of an adult with ADHD. Moleculefest is in his 30’s, writing, and dealing with the ups and downs of being wired not entirely like everyone else.  Really like this guy.

8) Deceivingly Normal is about life in an unusual family. You know how things tend to run in families? Well, watch this family run the things instead!

9) Feathersofhappenstance is one of the ADHD crew. She’s painting with words.

10) Splischsplasch An Aussie girl finding pretty things!

11) And last but not least, ms Rollins who has only 18 channels blaring in her head at any given time!


So, here come my questions!!
1) What is your earliest memory?

2) Describe your natural environment.

3) What is your pet peeve?

4) What is your favourite colour?

5) What is your maybe-one-day dream car?

6) And your keep-on-dreaming dream car?

7) Name 3 items of clothing that define your style.

8) Do you have any scars on your body?

9) What inspired you lately?

10) What was your last awkward moment?

11) What was the last thing that made you smile?




Posted by on November 28, 2013 in Random, Uncategorized


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Vicious!! Health insurance in Holland…

Apart from some gloriously good news I’ll post about later (too little time!) and a pending Liebster award post (how do I get the thing to go in the side of my blog?)… I got a rather nasty letter from my health insurance.

And I am vicious. Because, essentially, it comes down to this: the ONLY drug that helps me is being made inavailable to me because of some CRAP idea that I WANT all of this. This is a society that does not accept people who are different. This is a society in which, like in the US, there has been negative propaganda against ADHD, obviously not backed by anyone who actually HAS ADHD.

It took me a few hours of time I could have spent doing something actually constructive, to find a health insurance that will cover Concerta, albeit with just too much hassle and Orange Tape. Before anyone talks about the US to me: when talking to a few of my American friends complaining, it turned out that my health insurance AND deductible were higher than theirs. I’m paying 140 euros something for it every month. My contraceptive pill isn’t covered.

Then, the Dutch government decided to make a deductible of 350 euros mandatory by law for everyone with health insurance, given that health insurance itself is mandatory, this means everybody has to pay the 350 euros IF they need health care. Now, a deductible (Direct translation from Dutch: ‘own risk) is something you’d agree to if there actually was a chance you’d not have to pay it. A deductible is fine on car insurance, because you intend to not crash it. A health insurance deductible is reasonable in an otherwise healthy individual who actually has 360 euros to spare. If you’re chronically ‘ill’, or simply don’t have an extra 360 euro’s laying around somewhere…. that law-regulated deductible simply comes down to a fine for being sick. I paid my ‘sickness fine’ alreaddy, so now I can start saving up for the 360 fine I’ll get in 2014 because I still haven’t managed to go back and be born without ADHD.

Now, in my last calculation, given my massive decrease in income and my massive increase in health care expenses since I rented this place last year… it comes down to this: I won’t be able to afford my home due to health care costs.

So, I already was chronically pissed at the Dutch health system. I am pissed when I see patients struggle, people not accepting the care they’re offered because they don’t have an extra 350 euro’s. I am pissed when I see the minister of Health, mrs Schippers, ‘having an opinion’. Some of these opinions include ‘Light conditions such as ADHD, pneumonia, simple urinary tract infections and poor hearing shouldn’t be covered by insurance at all’. Light? Excuse me? I’ve actaully written ‘pneumonia’ on death certificates! And a simple calculation showed that treating my ADHD would have been A LOT cheaper than treating the shit that followed from not treating ADHD. Also, my Concerta actually leads to massive savings for society in the long run: it’s cheaper than having me on disabilities. A LOT cheaper. I’m using myself as an example here, I can think of a shitload of scenarios in which financial unavailability of health care cost a lot more than the actual health care… but that’s in some other minister’s file I suppose. Or even in her own file: treating something early or preventing it altogether usually is cheaper than treating the complex serious illness later on. Or maybe that’s just my simple doctor-logic.

Today I am vicious because I ran into my new Health Insurance contract again. Because too many people needed it, they decided to cover less of the medication not covered by the ‘basic’ insurance. Our Health Insurance Institute thing (College voor Zorgverzekeringen) decided some medication is simply ‘luxury’, one of them is Concerta. I might as well add, as far as we know ALL health insurance companies have made profit over 2013. Of course, being able to avoid rebound 4 times a day, with rebound setting in within a 15 minutes, is a complete luxury if you’re working in an unpredictable field where rebound may lead to serious mistakes. Also, the lower risk of abuse, the improved emotional stability (reboud is a rollercoaster), the increased compliance… all luxury.

Right. So, now they only cover it up to 500 euro’s a year. Given my high dose of Concerta, that’s about 3 month’s worth. And regardless…..  That’s around 40 euro’s a month that IS covered, (and you still need to pay the deductable). For 40 euro’s a month, I wouldn’t need an insurance to cover that. Basically, they’re not covering the drug I need.

Had I been treated with Concerta as a teen (and ADHD coaching), chances are I would have skipped the comorbidities… And in the past 10 years that would have been cheaper, net.

They don’t fucking want to cover it.

Because this society is full of bullshit.

Now, for 2014, I get to do it all again.


Oh, what do you know? The additional insurance does fully cover it if I were to try and treat my ADHD with anthroposophic medicine or with homeopathy!! Or acupuncture. (SCREAM!)

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Posted by on November 20, 2013 in ADHD, Health, Money, Rant, Work


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Daily Inspiration

This is too great to not reblog!!

Pearls and Paris


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Posted by on November 4, 2013 in Reblogs


My eye!


I decided to take up drawing again, quite randomly. This is the first pencil drawing in my Moleskine sketch book. The sketch book with quality paper and the quality pencils were worth it!
It’s nowhere near perfect but I am pleasantly surprised by myself. After all, it has been years!


Posted by on November 4, 2013 in ADHD, Brilliant ideas, Creative Spirit!, Random


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A rainy Sunday afternoon…

Sundays at work always seem a bit weird. Given that we’re doing business 24/7, that means that EVERY Sunday is weird. That would make weird ordinary, but that’s not the point. Came in this morning with a lot to do, but now there’s nothing and I’m thinking we might as well have done the case we turfed to others, but then again, when we turfed it, we did it because we had too much to do. Or so it seems. And now we’re being phone jockeys.

Autumn weather is crazy weather, and you need to pack an umbrella and your sunglasses. Looking at the rain gives you time to think. Somehow, rain calms me down as long as I’m somewhere not getting wet. If I’m getting wet, it makes me angry.



Things are going on, I’m still leaning towards my Godzilla with PMS side and I hate that side of me. It’s the downside of an ADHD brain combined with a very insecure life so far. Something goes wrong and I’m immediately flooded by thoughts in all their ADHD glory: impressions, images, feelings. Cognitive behavioural therapy has been tried with me thrice, but that’s based on people who think with words and one thing at a time. Or so I think. It does NOTHING to curb the flood, much less if there are strong emotions involved. So, we pick up the pieces later, embarrassed and all.

I’m perfectly capable of handling the cognitive part, once I’ve resurfaced. It’s really very much like being rolled by the waves when swimming in the ocean. I’m a good swimmer, but sometimes it still happens. Just like in the actual ocean, you’re much more likely to get into trouble if you struggle. My best tactic has been to simply roll with it, hold my breath (well, obviously, underwater) and figure out what’s up and down ASAP when I feel the worst blow is over. Remember to always check the coming waves as you emerge! Tip: your chest is filled with air and will move upwards. (Skinny girls don’t float….)


I’ve always been alone in these waves, nobody but one of my therapists has witnessed it ever. That has been fairly recently, I took some time to defrost. And now, TDH has witnessed it. I didn’t really want him to, but I’m here, and he’s close to me… and sometimes he’s been the one triggering it. And it’s weird, because I have no idea how to deal with this. I mean, I always saved the drama for somewhere nobody else could see it.

I am scared of my own past, scared of it happening. I’m not really a fear-type, but I’m terrified. I suppose I can only be terrified because I fully understand how bleak and cold and painful it was. And while I may be doing ‘better’ I think the emotional wounds need more time to heal. My schemes? Trauma response? My ongoing ‘battle’ with my worth as a person doesn’t really help: I feel like I don’t really fit into society because it’s custom made for the same-mass; being different doesn’t float well. I am still being told, sometimes less subtle than other times, that I need to change to ‘adjust’ to a world made to fit someone else. I am being made ‘less’ because of how I am wired, for the greatest part how I am biologically wired. I don’t understand why I can’t be accepted for who I am, simply because I love people for who they are. It’s kind of like bra shopping: I wear a 28F, a size hardly ever sold in stores. Instead of helping me find a fitting bra, the message is: ‘why don’t you just wear the available sizes? We have ALL sizes! 32A-38D!’. Because, quite frankly, they are uncomfortable and don’t fit and offer no support.


I feel like I’m untangling the hurts, trying to figure out how to get my life healthy. Yesterday we had a look at my crappy financial status. I completely flipped; completely overwhelmed. It was worse than I thought, and I may have to find another solution to my living situation even. Having ADHD is expensive; it’s the main change. Of course, I always had ADHD, but given that our government doesn’t believe in ADHD and thinks short acting methylphenidate is the shit and everyone should be fine with the cheapest contraceptive pill (I think that one made me sick…), I’m stuck with some pretty high medical expenses. If I get into the training programme, I’m going to need my Concerta more than ever, and having to deal with the 3-hourly waves that come with short-acting methylphenidate, (nevermind the rebound when forgetting it) probably won’t be the best thing for me.

I also realised just how much I have to give up. For example: fashion. I really enjoy my style time, but I can’t afford it. My gym membership. I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to manage my fitness without it, because I can’t go running any more due to my allergic asthma… grass pollen allergy. My head immediately gets flooded, the prospect reminds me of my desolate past. I got into debt trying to escape from the hell that was my life. I tried to comfort myself with stuff and whatever because I couldn’t have love, safety, friendship, someone to care for me when needed. It didn’t work, but it was a distraction. And then there’s the thing about the Marshmallow test: turns out that kids who have experienced broken promises will eat the marshmallow: you can’t count on getting another one if adults can’t be trusted. As a kid, I lost things quite a lot. ADHD. The idea was to teach me responsibility by letting me replace lost items with my pocket money, because that’s how it works in the real world. The lesson I learned was that months and months worth of pocket money gets taken away for something I truly could not help. Nobody helped me find ways to remember my stuff.  This has been disastrous for my personal finances throughout life: I had learned to spend my money so I could at least get SOMETHING out if it, as soon as I got it, because I never knew when it would be taken away, leaving me with nothing. (Of course, this is just one of many ‘issues’). Of course, life’s a bitch and this thing comes back to bite me.  Is it fair? No. My dad was right about one thing: life isn’t fair. Of course, that’s something I figured out long before he told me that.

Nobody taught me how to prevent this mess either, and I’m pretty much left to my own devices when it comes to getting out if it. Nothing new: if I had 5 cents for every time someone told me I should be able to do something which I failed at (most often due to ADHD, sometimes due to not having learned something, sometimes due to having glasses making it impossible to bat the ball because you’ve got a massive blind spot right where the bat is, sometimes due to hypermobility and also sometimes because I actually SHOULD be able to do this but simply failed)… well… I’d have enough money to solve this problem and a few more, perhaps even start a scholarship. I’ve gotten plenty tips that go right back to the obvious. It’s like telling a bulimic they’ve got a strict food budget. Yes, I know about budgeting, I’ve tried about 20 times to keep track of it, I understand that this is not helping…. But guess what: somewhere between intention and outcome I massively fail. I’ve even set up several master plans to live on a tight budget…. it lasted a week.

But, that’s not the point. My overwhelming emotional reaction had little to do with failure or the previous intents. It’s simple: the prospect of a really tight budget triggers rather traumatic memories. My struggle with debt started about three months into university, when I needed shoes but had no way in hell to afford them. I walked those shoes through. It became evil after that. It was the incident where I handed my father a minimum budget, and him cutting it back even further. I felt so desperate! It left me with too little to eat from, never mind actually doing something other than study. ‘But your sisters work’. My sisters weren’t in med school, living in student housing. It’s from a lifetime of barely being ‘allowed’ anything I enjoy, and knowing better what it’s like to be deprived than what it’s like to have my needs met. It’s from being reminded of painful loneliness, and the rats I never really could afford but who healed me in so many ways. And it’s about being scared to have to deal with that again, scared to be facing a bleak, dull, lonely life again. I won’t be able to afford doing fun stuff more than a few times a year, and there’s nothing I enjoy more than doing fun things with friends.  Just a few things. It’s completely irrational, and yet, I am having a hard time convincing myself that this can be different.

Regret is a complicated thing if you know you would have done things differently had you known how. And it’s not about the fucking money, yet, it is.

Poor piggy



Posted by on November 4, 2013 in ADHD, Dear Diary, Money, Work


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