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Can’t sleep!

27 Dec

And well, since it’s 10:45AM that sounds reasonable.

Except that it’s night shift time and I have another one to come. I hate nights.

I may have drifted off for a few minutes, but I have no idea why I can’t sleep.

Maybe Concerta? But I never have trouble sleeping with it.

So meanwhile my poor body, not having known when she is for weeks, is even more out of whack.

And I don’t know what to do now. Get up, get going or try again? I am just so tired.

And because I am tired I am easily worked up.

This time because I have to figure out stuff for my cousin and a friend of hers, while my sisters are being very annoying and trying to push me in the role of the boring nerdy elder sister, mum immediately thinks it is a good idea. My sisters want to take them to parties, take them shopping and take them to the same annoying market where you can buy the same crappy quality cheap stuff, lacking style, where they want to take everyone who comes here. Oh, and would I like I show them the touristy stuff then, such as windmills and the parliament?

No. What part of me makes you think I care about windmills or know anything about parliament? I don’t even know for sure which building it is! I

The only reasons they get to have the fun party girl image is because they always got what they wanted at my expense (2 against 1, they’re twins), the fact that they’re identical twins and the fact that I never had the opportunity to make fun friends when it mattered because I was cross-eyed, wore horrible glasses (and an embarrassingly wrong coat, for example; no cash for a new one) and then got grounded whenever I did get invited out. Oh, and I had no self esteem because I had nothing to base it on, being the underdog even in my own family.

So, yes, I am angry about that. Especially since I am the one who has most in common with these girls, but, the twins always are the ‘popular’ ones.
And the twins have the most organising capabilities and have been living here for longer so they should know the place better, if we’re talking about touristy stuff.

Also, it would be cool if they’d take into account the fact that I don’t have a vacation, and work irregular shifts, instead of using the opportunity to make me look like a whining little princess. Seriously, some support would be amazing.

Anyway. What I hate most about nights is the fact that I lose 3 whole days to do 2 nights and I am stuck here, of no use to myself and others, and basically isolated. I mean, doing nights basically means I might as well not even be alive for those days as I get no living done and am too tired to enjoy anything. And I hate that, because I’ve wasted too much of my life being zoned out and isolated due to childhood crap. I missed out on my high school years, my uni years and now I want to have the best adulthood ever. So when I miss out like this, with nothing in return; it makes me mad.

I think I’ll see if I at least can get some stupid errands done, so I needn’t waste precious feel good time on it.

And then go to sleep later, I can’t stay here anymore.

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Posted by on December 27, 2013 in ADHD, Dear Diary, Rant

 

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