RSS

Monthly Archives: March 2014

Staff Frustration Desk

Confession: I nearly punched a lady today. And I need to vent, else I may end up punching her next time.

It started with an e-mail sent in January, telling us to have a badge made to access the uni buildings. The buildings belong to the academic hospital, and the badge needed to be made at the staff service desk despite the fact that we’re not staff. Oh, and we were only allowed to phone for an appointment (an appointment for something that is normally done without, yes) in March, after we started our programme.

Knowing that I will lose the info, I pinned it to my task bar in Gmail. The only problem is, I don’t see the task bar on my phone. Not in iPhone’s mail app, not in the official Gmail app. Considering I need to link the ‘to do’ to the email I found it a bit too complicated to have this task in my phone. Result: I only remembered when I couldn’t phone. And when I did actually manage to remember during office hours… I got no answer. And again. (This is a lovely example of people not getting how hard it is to get simple things done with ADHD, actually, especially if it’s combined with Murphy’s Law). Mind you, I had all the time in the world to phone them and phone them again and again in the last week of February. But I wasn’t allowed to.

So last Tuesday, I went to the actual desk to see if I could be helped. I went along with a co-worker who had problems with their ‘service’ (as in; the badge wasn’t working). There were 3 ladies, doing nothing. One tended to my co-worker. The other two watched. After a few minutes, I asked them if anyone was going to help me.

Lady: Oh, sorry, I thought you were just standing there along with her.

Me: No. I still need to have a badge made.
Lady: Oh. Do you have an ID document with you?
Me: Yes, my driver’s licence. (In Holland your licence is a valid ID. )
Lady: Oh, but I need an identification document, not an -(Eh, whadya know. The Dutch have 2 words for ‘identification’. Now how do I translate this then? )ID.  You have to make an appointment.
Me: sigh. Really? I have already tried to phone you guys a few times and now this.
Lady: Yes, sometimes we’re not available on phone. I’ll give you an appointment and then you bring something you can identify yourself with, such as your ID card or passport.
Me: The police accepts my licence as a valid ID, that’s why I no longer have an ID card! (I’m getting slightly irritated here). Well then, what do you have?
Lady: If you like, you can also phone for an appointment.
Me: I’m here now. I don’t like to phone you because you don’t pick up.
Lady does something in her computer.
Me, talking to co-worker (making a half-joke to help keel my cool): Well, if it’s about identification only, one could also show a foreign passport. Or foreign ID card. A passport is a passport.
Lady, chipping in: No, you can’t show a foreign passport. I need your social security number. That’s why I need your passport.
Me, slightly baffled: My social security is on my drivers licence, and you can actually use a drivers licence to do a social security check with. But I don’t even work here. (I am now also standing there with my pen in my hand and my planner open, mind you!)
Other lady, chipping in: It was on the news the other day, it’s true, identification is not the same as ID and we need your social security number because you get the same form as employees.
Lady: And we need your bank account number for the 15-euro warranty. And the same rules apply to you when it comes to ID as for employees: passport or ID, no copies.
Co-worker: come on, this isn’t worth it.
Me: Just give me the appointment please.
Lady: 8:30 tomorrow?
Me: I’ll see if I can make it, I don’t know where the class starting at 9 is but it should be fine. (Inwardly being irritated because this means waking up half an hour earlier)
Lady: You can just phone tomorrow morning if it doesn’t work out.
(Right. I have your number on speed-dial….)

So, the next morning I got up half an hour earlier, but ended up missing my train by a second. I decided to get some coffee and catch a later train to be on time for class, as there was no way I was going to be able to run for the 8:30 appointment anyway, as I was suddenly feeling really unwell. Inside Starbucks the cause of the unwell feeling became clear: I was having an asthma attack. No idea why, actually. Sorry service desk ladies, but breathing was actually more important than trying to search for your phone number in my e-mail and then being submitted to more of your nonsense.

In my head I would have gone back yesterday, but due to my work not being entirely predictable, I ended up having to rush to get to the physio.

Today I went back during lunch break. There was one lady. I don’t know if she was there the other day too; she looked like many Dutch women do.
I waited patiently for 5 minutes while she finished a phone conversation about the weather and the like. I waited another few minutes while she did another phone call, actually in order to not help a lady in front of me. (‘It can’t be done today’ is not helping).
She then stares at me without saying anything.
Me: Hi. I’d like to have a badge made.
She: You’d like to make an appointment for a badge?
Me: (slightly irritated by her rude approach): No, I want the badge. I have my passport.
She: We only work with appointments. I can give you an appointment to make a badge.
(Making a badge takes 5 minutes, for the record)
Me: Look, I have already spent too much time on this. I’ve phoned you several times, no luck. You couldn’t help me the other day, and I couldn’t make the other appointment due to an asthma attack. I don’t have your phone number any more. I am getting fed up with this. And you do work without appointments, you helped several of my co-workers without appointments.
She: Well, I can’t help you now, I can give you an appointment because there is someone else who I have to help too. This is a busy time.
(There was a nurse who just walked in. One other person, yes. You weren’t too busy to chat about the weather while I was waiting….)
Me: This is getting ridiculous. What time do you close this afternoon?
She: I can give you an appointment for 4pm, or 4:15
Me: I can try for 4:15, but I have a test which is supposedly till 4:30.
She: I need a time you are sure about. What day?
Me: I am a GP trainee, I have no times I am sure about because things tend to be unpredictable. I don’t work in the hospital, so I can’t just hop by. It’s hard to give you a precise time that actually works for me. (I check my planner, and see that the coming week is particularly hard. )
She: Well, just like the GP we work with appointments, so you have to make an appointment at a time you can be here. All your colleagues made appointments, you had a letter about it so you should know exactly what the rules are. There are too many of you, we can’t help you all at once, we only have that kind of thing for medical students because they come in groups. Most of you come on uni day. Tuesday 8:30?
Me: (concentrating too hard on not losing my temper by this time, swallowing my remark about walk-in surgeries and receptionists doing lots of stuff without appointments because I remember my co-worker’s ‘it’s not worth it’ remark from the other day. I’m boiling mad over her arrogance, rudeness and the fact that she’s actually lecturing me over this.) The letter was an e-mail, sent months ago, I no longer have it handy. I phoned, you did not answer. You helped some of my colleagues without an appointment. And I have no guaranteed time I can be here, I don’t live in Uni City. Tuesday 8:30 is not fine; I am on call the evening before. Tuesday lunchtime is not guaranteed because I’m working half a day and doing half at uni. My only possible option is Friday morning, I start work at 12, but that would mean coming in just for that.
She: Friday at 12 then?
Me: I start work at 12…
She: Friday at 9?
Me: Like I said: I have to come in especially for this and I’m not doing that at 9AM. 11? (calculating that I’d need to get to the practice too, it’s a detour to get to this hospital first. Still using all my willpower not to punch her) I can try and see if that works.
She: You can also phone in the morning, when you know how your day will work out.
Me: I won’t know how my day work out in the morning better than I do now.
She: Do you want to make an appointment now, or do you want to phone me in the morning when you know better how your day will work out and when you’re certain you can make it?
Me: Look, I’ve already wasted too much time on getting a badge. Can you give me the 11AM appointment, I’ll try to make it, that’s another hour of my free time, you know.
She: You can phone me when you know better too. I can give you the phone number again?
Me: (wondering what part of ‘unpredictable’ means it’s predictable in the mornings…) I am not going to phone you in the morning. Give me the appointment and I’ll try to make it.
She: Ok, next friday at 11 and don’t forget your ID and bank info.

Right. She had all the time in the world for this and chatting about the weather, but not 5 minutes to make the badge. She probably kicks on this ‘power’ she has, but she wasn’t worth the trouble I’d get in for throwing a fist at her, even though she deserves to find out just how mad she makes people. Thanks to her crap, I was late back at class. And I finished the test at 4PM, but showing up to get it sorted out would not have worked. I didn’t ask for her manager, I wanted to get to class.

And now my ADHD mind has to remember to take the right form of ID with me on Friday because I’m not carrying a passport with me at all times. And I have to waste my morning off on this crap. I tried to file a complaint against them, but the university hospital website has no easy access to info like that, and phoning them via the general number is pointless. She has no idea how complicated it is for me to get there with all the stuff at 11AM on Friday morning. And that will actually be over 2 months this simple task, that needs to take no more than 20 mins total including phoning them, has been on my mind. I can think of so many things I’d rather do than leave home an hour early in order to deal with their crap just to get a badge I’m not even sure what I need it for.

None of the ‘reasons’ they gave me is true. In fact, I doubt there is any real reason why my licence wouldn’t do, other than the institute’s bureaucracy. Fair enough, simply saying there’s nothing she can do would have done.   While another person may have responded less impulsively, this kind of behaviour from her side would have had them fired at McDonalds. I would fire them if they spoke to my patients like that. The whole idea of a staff service desk is to sort stuff out for people, not to bully them.

And I still want to hit her. Shake her. Scream at her. It’s not even really about personal offence, I am mostly frustrated because I can’t just get this simple task done. It’s about the ridiculousness of the situation, and the stupidity of the fact that these women can do this. I don’t want anyone else to deal with it.

 

So, dear Large Institute University Hospital: I think you need to re-source the humans in your human resource team. This deserves a price for most kak service of the year.

 

Advertisements
 
2 Comments

Posted by on March 28, 2014 in adult ADHD, Random, Rant, Work

 

Dear next person who accuses me of not respecting or not caring…

You know how normal people respond if you’re late?
They see it as a sign of disrespect, and take offense (quite often). They get annoyed with you. 

You know how normal people respond if you failed to get things together?
They assume you just don’t care, and respond accordingly. 

You know what normal people think when you try to explain it’s ADHD?
If it’s important enough, you’d manage. It’s an excuse. Why don’t you just try harder? Why don’t you just do it?….. you need more discipline. You need more willpower.

And before I get accused of overgeneralising again: stating it like that does not mean there are no exceptions. I am simply trying to explain what I run into more often than not, in situations where I am already desperately disappointed in myself and frustrated. If you’re not close to me, I suck it up and sometimes break down as soon as I’m somewhere you’re not around to witness it. Your reaction makes my problem worse. Not only do I have my ADHD, I now also have you to deal with, and I really just want to make most of life. This I have to do in the midst of normal people.

The thing is, and I’m talking about ‘getting things done’ and ‘being on time’ because essentially they’re part of the same problem….

I understand that you have no clue what it’s like to have no concept of time, a chaotic and perpetually overloaded mind, and very limited planning ability mixed with being easily distractable, impulsive and sometimes just not being able to find that info in the jungle you call your mind. I get that. Normal people are weird like that, unable to imagine what it’s like to be different.

Because I DO care and because I DO respect you, I go to great lengths to meet you somewhere nearer to you than halfway, because I understand that halfway is just too much to ask of you.

I learned ‘time’. Or, at least, I do my best to understand what you mean by it. I put great effort into trying to grasp what time it is (instead of just ‘it’s dusk, day, midday, dawn, evening, night’. That’s useless in Northern Europe, mind you, so I’m double handicapped. And then for some moronic reason there’s daylight savings time…). It takes all the willpower I can master sometimes, but I force my mind to do it. I then have to concentrate really hard to remember more or less what ‘number’ is linked to certain activities. The number is minutes, but it’s like having to understand a second language if you’re really bad at languages. You’ll never quite master it, but have to keep trying. Add them up only to discover I’ve already lost at least ten trying to figure out time. And in all that concentration, the info ‘where are my keys’ are lost, because for some then pretty intelligent reason I put them somewhere else last time I had them.

In order to be in time for work in the morning, this is the sequence:
– a few days beforehand, start worrying about how to get to bed in time in order to wake up well. Waking up well is absolutely crucial because I need max concentration
– In general, now that I’m not in such irregular shifts any more, I am practising a morning routine. It’s not routine yet, so it takes a lot of focus still. I’m also not sure what’s worse: getting up well early and being late because I thought I had a lot of time, or getting up at the last moment and rushing, risking being late because I’m simply late. Or had my keys already in my handbag but forgot about that.
– the evening before, I prepare lunches as far as I can without it becoming icky through being prepared too long beforehand. This in itself is complicated because meal planning is planning just as well and food isn’t my favourite thing. Another bit of forced concentration, will power.
– I get things ready, and this procedure has to be planned before med rebound… (Another bit of planning…) I check my planner, I pack my bag, because it’s nothern Europe I also have to check the weather in detail, somehow remember that not-too-interesting info, plan an outfit and actually think about things such as umbrellas, getting up earlier if it rains…. (I’ve been told I should have left earlier when I was late due to storms and the like, so now it’s at least 15 mins stress a day about that). Not only do I have to have my basic ‘plan’ in mind, it also has to be adjustable, and then I’m thrown off again. If I’m lucky, the getting-ready-for-tomorrow procedure takes about 15-20 mins. On a bad day (such as when I just had to finish the last paragraph of that assignment, or someone left just too late and I’m in rebound)… this can take an hour.
– I spend the entire evening trying to get everything done and not get distracted, often depriving myself of the small things I enjoy, just to get to bed in time. This often fails, because I get distracted, because I can’t keep up that level of stress always, because someone actually needed my attention.
– I put a lot of effort into calming down so I can sleep well so I wake up well so I at least have a shot. On physical days I read/look at pictures in some magazine. On wordy days I do yoga, shower, sometimes do some exercise before the yoga, listen to music and/or sing. Wordy days are the worst.
– In the morning first thing I do is take my meds. I need varying doses of willpower/self discipline to get out of bed, because I’m apprehensive of the procedure to be on time. Since I haven’t yet mastered my routine, it’s hard. And then, because of this horrid climate, I also have to ‘adjust my planning’ to match the weather. And I keep forgetting: does a west wind come from the west or go towards the west?
– I spend as much time checking the clock as I do getting ready I think! And setting an alarm to leave won’t help, I don’t have enough concept of time to know how long that half hour is. I’ve tried ‘training’ myself, but that same half hour feels different depending on my energy, meds, whatnot.
– And then, if I manage to make it on time, I feel like the ‘dumb’ student who FINALLY has a C- in a class they’re just not good at…  YES YES YES A C-!!! PARTY come celebrate with me! And all the other ‘students’ look at me like I’m nuts, they all have A’s.

I respect you, my job, whatever, enough to put myself through that. If I fail, I can’t promise it will never happen again. It will. But rest assure, I will try to figure out if there’s anything I can do to prevent it from happening.

If you say ‘you’re on time for work, but not for meeting up with me, I must not be important’: You are important to me. I feel horrible about making you wait because I’ve managed to step in my own chaos again. The difference between you and work is that I simply don’t have days to precisely try to figure out how to get to you in time. Trust me, I’ve put a lot of will power, frustration, stress and whatnot in it to get to you in time. A few minutes from your side to try to understand that would be nice, but I’m not asking for it because I’ve had my share of negative responses. If you’re going to keep on giving me a hard time, I will reconsider doing all that for you though.

The same applies to reading a few chapters to prep for class. It’s not that class is not important for me. It’s just that I simply failed to go through all the steps to get it read. These steps include:
– Forcing myself to sit and read, sometimes using a timer.
– Forcing myself back to that position
– Sometimes basically re-writing the book
– Spending I don’t know how long getting frustrated because I simply can’t learn from long texts, and since you won’t allow me to adjust my learning to what works, the result is that I will fail to get it done the way you can.

So please understand why your assumptions offend me greatly, hurt me, and sometimes make me raging mad. And I don’t understand why respecting you means basically torturing myself, while you do nothing to meet me say at 95% your side. I’ve been told that normal people are far better at thinking, so maybe you can master a tiny bit of cognition about why I fail to meet your expectations. I’ve been told that normal people are better listeners, so listen when I say it’s not about you or about respect if I fail to meet your expectations. You’d offer a one-legged person a hand or walk slower if they can’t keep up, but you get mad at me if I fail to match your pace. And if I do fail to arrive on time, sorry, but why don’t you check your facebook instead of winding yourself up about how disrespectful I am for being born this way. That’s what I do if I have to wait, and trust me, waiting is torture to me. (And yes, I feel really bad about doing it to you. But you don’t feel bad about guilt tripping me, so maybe I should not respect you, actually.)

 
4 Comments

Posted by on March 23, 2014 in ADHD, adult ADHD, Rant

 

Tags: , , , , ,

What am I doing?

Had the first uni day and I am in tears. I hate having ADHD because that’s what it comes down to. I am different. I had sort of mentioned it during intro; but it didn’t land and even if it did then I doubt people GET it. And I don’t want to be the ADHD girl. 
So today I asked what exactly is expected when they require me to read required literature. One girl said ‘well supposedly you got the books knowing you’re starting training, and you knew you’d have to read’. I said that I can’t work like that. The coach said perhaps I can read afterwards, but then corrected herself that I’d just have to get used to the cycle of reading and then discussing things in-depth and then maybe looking stuff up. 

I am trying my best to get things done. Actually I did not buy any books because my past experience taught me it’s best to have a look at them first, during med school I mostly bought the books that worked best for me, usually not the first on the recommended list. I’m bad at histology for example, because that was a class with a requires book and it wasn’t an ADHD proof book. 
OldSchoolUni has no recommended list, they have a required list. This makes it nearly impossible for me to adjust what I learn from in such a way I will actually learn from it. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely want to learn… that is actually exactly why I am so upset about this. 

I have no idea how to solve this and now I am dreading training because I’ll be spending all my time and attention (mind you, I also have limited concerta time) trying to get through something suited for someone else’s brain, and I will have little time and no energy left to learn and do something with my brain power. 

I really want to do this because I know this is something I can be good at, and now I am worrying that I won’t even make it through because I am being forced to do it in a way that will never work for me. 

Concerta is all and well but it doesn’t make something out of me I am not. It only enables me to fly the plane I have instead of continuously crashing it. 

I’m almost thinking I shouldn’t have started this. 

The stupid part: despite being unable to learn in the same way most ‘intelligent’ people do, apparently, I was known for my crazy amount of knowledge at my previous job. I got in this programme as one of the first (top candidates); and I am able to graduate in the same position… IF I get the chance to rock what The Lord gave me brain wise. 

Let’s put it like this: I march to the beat of my own drum. My drum produces mega hits, but not if I am expected to join a marching band. My drum is not for marching, it’s for dancing.

 

The troubles of ADHD and going back to uni…

I’ve been in the specialist training programme for two weeks now, and while it’s pretty serious stuff, I can’t help but find myself funny sometimes…. I’m just trying to manage and make it work with my alternative mind…

* Today I got startled by the same prank dummy three times. When I see an elderly person on the floor, my first response is Safety-ABCDE…  So essentially I almost resuscitated a dummy filled with toilet paper three times.

* Then, when I was supposed to use a test patient at the out-of-hours-service intro course, I actually managed to open a real patient file. Hey, how was I supposed to know Testington (altered name but you get the point) was a real name?

* I’ve spent two hours trying to read the assignment. I started panicking when it required me to read ‘chapter this and this’ in a book on communication skills. I still don’t know exactly what the assignment is, my plain text retention is that low. And then I got frustrated when, at the end, they mentioned the system used at my uni. All this frustration for something I already know. 

* I still haven’t gotten round to reading a book about talking.

* Step 1 in my assignment was: reread literature and notes from med school on communication skills. Communication skills was a do-class at my uni, and while we had literature I suppose it was all in the uni library. I may have looked at it because ‘you will be doing a simulation of a bad news convo tomorrow and we’ll be filming you’ is pretty motivating to look for a few tips if you’re in second year. I threw out all my lecture notes because I moved a few times in between. But, always keen, I dug into my cellar box. No lecture notes, no hidden and forgotten literature. What I did find was an evaluation booklet for my Internal Medicine clinical rotation….

* Speaking of communication skills, I find watching Scrubs quite useful.

* Speaking of lectures, I think I was pretty bad at attending those anyway.

* Meanwhile I’ve figured out about 5 creative ways to examine children who are bent on not being examined.

* I got myself a new planner, as I already lost overview of my small one.

* Apparently my ‘if all else fails please read instructions’ approach scares others in my group. I suppose it does require, ahem, a special kind of mind. We did a learning style test, and I was all in the ‘experience’ learning corner. Yes, I may jump in first, but that doesn’t mean I’m not observing and thinking WHILE jumping. My IQ can keep up with my ADHD if required, remember? And thanks to hyperfocus I can learn more in 5 minutes than others can in 20, linking it to all of my senses if I’ve just experienced the problem.

* Channeling my ADHD actually makes for a few brilliant differential diagnoses. And a doctor who is razor sharp in case of emergency (adrenalin still beats concerta by far!).

* That being said, I’m on new territory for me. I’ve spent most of my career so far dealing with extremes. I’m insecure, and I find myself being truly surprised when people ‘buy’ it because I’m still wondering if I’ve missed something….

But, what I do find absolutely fantastic is that I’m not the only one in this job who isn’t perfect. I’m not the only one who doesn’t have all the answers, in fact, I’ve been told that I’ll never outgrow the occasional foot-in-mouth-moment in general practice. It’s a combination of run-of-the-mill things, surprises, personal stories, puzzles, brilliant ideas and what-the-hell moments. Definitely not for the faint-hearted. It’s guts, grace and genius combined.

 

 
5 Comments

Posted by on March 17, 2014 in ADHD, General Practice, Work

 

Tags: , ,

Rebound

I don’t know who thought up that idea of getting everything ready for the next day before going to bed, but I am pretty convinced they don’t have actual ADHD or have ever had to deal with med rebound.

Eish! I spent over half an hour just trying to get my bag together and am now late because I could for the love of Whatnot not figure out an outfit that would both look decent and suit the weather last night so I had to do it this morning.

I face this problem often, especially with Ritalin as rebound comes suddenly and harshly and my life doesn’t always fit into my med scheme.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 10, 2014 in ADHD

 

Tags: , ,

Monthly Adventure February: quitting my job…

…and I know I still have January to add. (Spoiler: title will be: hug a lion). Let’s just leave it at those four letters…

… and I know my previous post is a massive spoiler…

But, I quit my job in February. Technically, I resigned in January for February, knowing I was starting training. I’ve had the same crazy job for almost two years, a record for me. Not that it was a very challenging record to break: I only graduated 3 years ago, and as a locum doctor you’re sort of supposed to switch jobs.

The decision to quit has essentially been made a long time ago, when I applied for specialist (GENERALIST!) training. While going up or down on whether or not I should have become a doctor in the first place, I always had a very strong idea on what sort of doctor I want to become. While I’m sure there are a few potential specialism matches, ‘psychiatrist’ isn’t one of them. I did the fun part of psych, the cowboy part, and while sometimes tough, it was a very valuable experience.

Given that I’m a very people-orientated person, leaving is hard because I will miss people. The crisis intervention team isn’t known for it’s easy and uncomplicated personnel, and many of the psych trainees are a bit apprehensive about their acute psych rotation. Look, you’re not going to cope in this job if you’re average. The job includes a different kind of collaboration most doctors are used to, lacking the hierarchy present in hospitals for example, and the psych nurses are experienced. I loved working with them from the beginning, they’re interesting people and they taught me a lot. I did not work with a bunch of difficult, hard-headed and callous psych nurses. I worked with a bunch of intelligent, interesting and tough people, who had their hearts in the right places. I am going to miss all of them. I am going to miss my boss, who really made me feel at home. I am going to miss the admin team, a group of pretty diverse ladies who were pretty essential to getting this job done. I am going to miss the two psychiatrists. Two very different men.

I am going to miss some parts of the job, after all, who else gets to do what I did?

Last Friday I had a going away ‘borrel’. (I am pretty sure there is no English word for the typical Dutch drinks with nuts situation! To call it a party or happy hour would be overrated…) It wasn’t the most popular event in the entire year, only a few people showed up but I really did appreciate it. I got such positive farewell speeches by the two psychiatrists that I probably started blushing….

All in all I think I left on a positive note.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 4, 2014 in Monthly Adventure

 

Nervous!

So much is happening in my life to be honest.

Tomorrow I am starting a new job; actually I am starting my specialist training.

I am scared I might screw up, like I have done so many times before. So many things have ended in complete chaos with me.

I am essentially going back to school. Here’s the problem: I was diagnosed with ADHD after graduation, so I never really managed to learn how to successfully study with ADHD. I am going to school with medication for the first time… And I am turning 28 soon. I have no idea how I graduated secondary school; and then med school. It was definitely on a wing and a prayer, in final year of med school I still hadn’t figured out how to study for an exam! My academic career up to now consisted of a series of near-misses. I must be brilliant though: through school I was roughly in the top 5%, 10% at worst of my entire year group (even considering I was in a ‘smart kid’ school), and while I am not sure how I ranked in med school due to hazy grading, and I went through serious trouble in uni, I made it through.

Meanwhile, in 2014….

I am starting tomorrow. I feel like I am staring at the Grand Canyon between my potential/abilities and my disabilities. To compensate, I wanted to have everything perfectly right.

Needless to say, that failed. House is not clean. I was stressed out about getting stuff done. Have it perfectly under control.

I suppose that also just is how it is. My house will never be perfectly clean, as long as it’s not a health hazard. I will always have trouble with time, because it’s just not something I can grasp. Things will always work out differently than I planned. And I will always end up with my foot in my mouth from time to time.

I guess the key simply is to get some basics right (such as a morning routine), and then take the rest as it comes.

Part of why I am nervous: the expectations. I was one of the first to be accepted into the program, out of it think around 100 candidates who made it to the interview. And fair enough: I have the potential ability to do great. (Supposedly, according to Mensa’s IQ screening test, which I filled out while playing with a rat, I have a Mensa worthy IQ and they invited me to take the formal test and if my IQ was high enough still, join them. I never did that: I only did the test because I was bored).

The only problem is: people also expect me to do great like everyone else does it. And I disappoint. I have real ADHD. That super processor (which I only have The Lord to thank for, mind you, it’s not that it makes me superior as a person) is wired differently. It has it’s own flaws and hidden strengths. It doesn’t do well with traditional schooling, I might never get in a position where I can use its full power because the world mainly caters for standard wiring. I’d do great as a professor, for example, but I will never get there because… I can’t do the required PhD. My half-year research internship had me almost mad: I can’t sit still all day and work on data, papers and read hundreds of articles on roughly the se topic. (And then people thought it was weird that I needed to walk every now and then!) Just an example!

Anyway. Off to sleep.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 2, 2014 in Uncategorized