02 Mar

So much is happening in my life to be honest.

Tomorrow I am starting a new job; actually I am starting my specialist training.

I am scared I might screw up, like I have done so many times before. So many things have ended in complete chaos with me.

I am essentially going back to school. Here’s the problem: I was diagnosed with ADHD after graduation, so I never really managed to learn how to successfully study with ADHD. I am going to school with medication for the first time… And I am turning 28 soon. I have no idea how I graduated secondary school; and then med school. It was definitely on a wing and a prayer, in final year of med school I still hadn’t figured out how to study for an exam! My academic career up to now consisted of a series of near-misses. I must be brilliant though: through school I was roughly in the top 5%, 10% at worst of my entire year group (even considering I was in a ‘smart kid’ school), and while I am not sure how I ranked in med school due to hazy grading, and I went through serious trouble in uni, I made it through.

Meanwhile, in 2014….

I am starting tomorrow. I feel like I am staring at the Grand Canyon between my potential/abilities and my disabilities. To compensate, I wanted to have everything perfectly right.

Needless to say, that failed. House is not clean. I was stressed out about getting stuff done. Have it perfectly under control.

I suppose that also just is how it is. My house will never be perfectly clean, as long as it’s not a health hazard. I will always have trouble with time, because it’s just not something I can grasp. Things will always work out differently than I planned. And I will always end up with my foot in my mouth from time to time.

I guess the key simply is to get some basics right (such as a morning routine), and then take the rest as it comes.

Part of why I am nervous: the expectations. I was one of the first to be accepted into the program, out of it think around 100 candidates who made it to the interview. And fair enough: I have the potential ability to do great. (Supposedly, according to Mensa’s IQ screening test, which I filled out while playing with a rat, I have a Mensa worthy IQ and they invited me to take the formal test and if my IQ was high enough still, join them. I never did that: I only did the test because I was bored).

The only problem is: people also expect me to do great like everyone else does it. And I disappoint. I have real ADHD. That super processor (which I only have The Lord to thank for, mind you, it’s not that it makes me superior as a person) is wired differently. It has it’s own flaws and hidden strengths. It doesn’t do well with traditional schooling, I might never get in a position where I can use its full power because the world mainly caters for standard wiring. I’d do great as a professor, for example, but I will never get there because… I can’t do the required PhD. My half-year research internship had me almost mad: I can’t sit still all day and work on data, papers and read hundreds of articles on roughly the se topic. (And then people thought it was weird that I needed to walk every now and then!) Just an example!

Anyway. Off to sleep.

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Posted by on March 2, 2014 in Uncategorized


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