What am I doing?

18 Mar

Had the first uni day and I am in tears. I hate having ADHD because that’s what it comes down to. I am different. I had sort of mentioned it during intro; but it didn’t land and even if it did then I doubt people GET it. And I don’t want to be the ADHD girl. 
So today I asked what exactly is expected when they require me to read required literature. One girl said ‘well supposedly you got the books knowing you’re starting training, and you knew you’d have to read’. I said that I can’t work like that. The coach said perhaps I can read afterwards, but then corrected herself that I’d just have to get used to the cycle of reading and then discussing things in-depth and then maybe looking stuff up. 

I am trying my best to get things done. Actually I did not buy any books because my past experience taught me it’s best to have a look at them first, during med school I mostly bought the books that worked best for me, usually not the first on the recommended list. I’m bad at histology for example, because that was a class with a requires book and it wasn’t an ADHD proof book. 
OldSchoolUni has no recommended list, they have a required list. This makes it nearly impossible for me to adjust what I learn from in such a way I will actually learn from it. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely want to learn… that is actually exactly why I am so upset about this. 

I have no idea how to solve this and now I am dreading training because I’ll be spending all my time and attention (mind you, I also have limited concerta time) trying to get through something suited for someone else’s brain, and I will have little time and no energy left to learn and do something with my brain power. 

I really want to do this because I know this is something I can be good at, and now I am worrying that I won’t even make it through because I am being forced to do it in a way that will never work for me. 

Concerta is all and well but it doesn’t make something out of me I am not. It only enables me to fly the plane I have instead of continuously crashing it. 

I’m almost thinking I shouldn’t have started this. 

The stupid part: despite being unable to learn in the same way most ‘intelligent’ people do, apparently, I was known for my crazy amount of knowledge at my previous job. I got in this programme as one of the first (top candidates); and I am able to graduate in the same position… IF I get the chance to rock what The Lord gave me brain wise. 

Let’s put it like this: I march to the beat of my own drum. My drum produces mega hits, but not if I am expected to join a marching band. My drum is not for marching, it’s for dancing.


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