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Monthly Archives: September 2014

It’s still a bit of a nightmare…

When it rains, it pours…

In my case, the ‘pouring’ is happening in my toilet, from the roof, where it’s leaking. It’s dripping off the lamp, so that means no electricity in that ‘group’. For some reason, that group is basically all electricity in my house except for the bedroom, extra room and one wall (aka one socket) in the living room. It started leaking last Thursday, excellent timing. (Reported it, nothing has been done, because the cause is still unknown)

The ‘rain’, is in addition to the pleasant stress associated with planning to move in together, the trouble with my training programme has reached what I hope is it’s maximum. Had my evaluation on Friday. Basically they flunked me. Because of, essentially, the personal matters. Because, essentially, due to all the trouble I’ve been having with it, I’m far behind. Because they want to see me ‘reflect, evaluate and change my behaviour’. And more importantly, talk about it in a setting where I don’t feel safe talking about myself. And, of course, verbalise it in a way that suits them, not necessarily me. They want me to use the ‘I did’ form for everything, while I’ve learned to use a more neutral, descriptive way in order to deal with my internalising issues.

And because, somewhere, I ‘flipped’ into a character I don’t know, but I remember from long ago. I didn’t get much chance to ‘flip out’ again, because of the ongoing pressure, and I fully agree that that ‘character’ isn’t fit to practice. I’m not being me, I’m acting like someone that reminds me of when I was a scared girl in an unsafe world, at the mercy of others. A powerless child, misunderstood, and basically never good enough. I’m essentially trying to disappear.

It didn’t help that I wasn’t being heard when I did speak up. I’ve written enough about this.

I’ll hear in two weeks what my options are, in the meantime I still have to prove myself, because there still are ‘conditions’ for me to live up to at work, if I want to finish my training. I still have to ‘flip out’ of that character. I am essentially doing it, but I’m still not feeling up to full power yet. I also have to think about ‘what I need’ in terms of the ‘special tract’ I’ll be entering. Essentially that comes down to a magnifying glass while I prove that I can do this (and, yes, I still need to talk about myself, in a way that doesn’t ‘fit’ with me, and meanwhile -for my own sanity- not implode).

I’d need to know the options, really. I know one thing: if I had to make my own plan, I’d probably try to do the impossible with chances of burning myself out with all the consequences that has. I’m a woman who’s spent her life trying to be ‘good enough’, trying to fit in the ordinary world… and I was only diagnosed with my ADHD 3 years ago. All I’ve heard was ‘if you really want to, you can, so stop whining, stop making excuses’. While perseverance is a good thing, there is a point where you should stop. I may not be anorexic any more, but I still am capable of pushing myself too far. So please don’t ask me to make the plan of how I’m going to save this thing that’s really important to me: I want to prove that I can do it, and essentially do the entire year in half a year… preferably graduate with the guys I started with and -just because I’m mad- prove that I can be better than most in my group. So please, tell me the options, and tell me it’s impossible to do what I’d want to do… and then allow me to accept this ‘failure’.

Speaking about that little history of mine: the fact that I’m not dramatically underweight, tube fed, ‘bringing my honours to the porcelain god’ or… dead… proves that I’m capable of reflecting, analysing and changing my behaviour. I’ve come a pretty far way from the way I once was, went from essentially diminishing myself to fit into the world, to the woman I am today; I’m pretty strong, pretty resilient… and pretty much loved for who I am, not for who someone thinks I should be. Because I am more than enough. I was made to be me, not to be someone else.

I’m trying to understand what went wrong here, because I’m really not up for a rerun of this episode in my life. What is the lesson I can learn? Irrespective of the actual training programme. Was it the pressure to conform? Was it actually trying to conform? What triggered this sick cycle? And how do I get out of it? Is conforming ever really the answer? Am I wrong for dreaming of a world in which we can work together, each bringing their own valuable persona and their own valuable part? A world in which there is no majority, just love? In which we learn from each other, in which we all listen carefully to each other… see the beauty in one another?

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Energy

I wonder if this is a typical ADHD thing, or if it’s just something everyone deals with to some extent….

Just a little observation of mine lately:

It’s almost as if I have a certain threshold to pass before I’m fully ‘switched on’. For example: my time-per-patient has recently been changed from 20 minutes to 15 minutes. The result? I’m seeing most patients within 10 minutes (the actual allotted time per patient I’m supposed to be working towards). And I use the rest of the time to deal with other patient-care related stuff. Funniest part of all? I go home with more energy. 

Sometimes it’s like my brain has a sort of a flat-wave ‘zone’: not enough stimuli, and I find it hard to keep my brain ‘functioning’ well and sometimes I even struggle to kick start it. Perhaps it’s the stress-and-ADHD thing. You know, that ‘when the going get tough, the tough get going’ thing. I need to be challenged. If I get bored, I switch off. Get me switched on and I can do twice what ‘normal’ people can do. (Sometimes in half the time, like when I studied for the acute care exam) 

The only problem is: it can be equally hard to switch off by myself once I’m switched on, so I need to be careful in order to prevent burning myself out. 

Sometimes, I suppose, my brain seriously does not want to be phoned out of bed for THAT… I think all doc’s who have ever been on call know what I mean. 

 
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Posted by on September 9, 2014 in adult ADHD, General Practice

 

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We fight, we make up….

Show me a couple who never fights…. 

There’s a thing called ‘healthy’ fighting I believe. Arguing is a better word, because physical violence is never OK. It’s all part of simply being two different people in one relationship. You live, you learn, you fight, you make up…. you learn. 

We both have a dash of temperament. (I don’t think we’ll have the most mellow of kids. If that were the case I’d request a DNA test!)

We always sort it out though. I’d love to have a rule ‘do not go to bed angry’ but TDH needs more mood-processing time than I do. 

Nope, it’s not true that men are always the ones to get over it sooner. I know the stereotype says she is mad at him for days for something he didn’t really ‘get’… with us it’s the other way round. 

Sometimes we annoy each other, sometimes we push each other over their limits, sometimes we don’t talk when we should (mainly TDH), sometimes we talk when we shouldn’t (mainly BD)… I’ve smashed my phone (ok, accidentally, I missed the sofa when throwing it on the sofa) when we fought over Whatsapp. He’s been angry at me for three days (and I really can’t remember what it was about). I’ve tried leaving at 2:30 AM, he had to stop me. He’s threatened to leave me behind at the train station. I’ve hung op the phone on him. He’s refused to accept the eco foods crate I ordered for him. (Because of something to do with wallpaper). 

But we always make up. Sometimes I’m the one saying sorry, sometimes it’s him, sometimes it’s both, sometimes we discover we’ve been arguing to prove exactly the same point using different arguments. 

And we learn. We learn about each other, we learn about ourselves too. At least, I do. Can’t speak for someone else. We forgive. 

In the end, we come out stronger. 

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2014 in ADHD and relationships, Relationships

 

In other news… Moving In Together!

I’ll be doing a new theme on this blog: relationship(s) and adult ADHD. My aim of this blog still is to give a reflection of my life, me and my ADHD. You could say it’s an ADHD ‘lifestyle’ blog but what bothers me is that a lifestyle is something that you choose. ADHD is not something I chose, it’s just the way I’m wired. If 90% of the people were wired that way, this blog would have no reason to exist as it is. But given the fact that 95-99% of people are NOT wired this way, it makes things a bit more, er, interesting. I enjoy writing, and I hope people enjoy reading. I even have a small bit of hope that it can mean a bit more sometimes. 

As you all know, I’m in a long term relationship with Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome, aka TDH. Things are going well between us. Really well. He’s my pull and I’m his push, except early in the morning when I can not be moved in any direction at all. We love each other. 

We will be moving in together. A massive step. 

He must be nuts to want to live with me. Seriously. This blog isn’t called ‘A Devastatingly Heavenly Darling’ for nothing. 

This is going to be a very exciting time, possibly somewhat trying every now and again. 

A period in which I think we both will learn a lot, about each other, about ourselves, about simply making it work. 

We’re not going into this as a ‘test run’ to ‘see if it works out’. We’re committed to each other, and we’re both motivated to see how it works out. Look, every relationship may fail, even after many years. The plan is not to let it fail, the plan is to let it work and to have an amazing life together. We are figuring out how to do that. So far, so good. 

We’re both new to this, but so far we’ve learned that it’s important to keep communicating… and as Kelly Flaningan points out in his Marriage Manifesto, it’s not about our own selfish needs. It’s about us, it’s about loving the other. It’s about, you know, being a couple.

I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. I can live without TDH. 

But I don’t want to. I want to be with him. 

He makes me so much better, he says I do the same to him. Life is just so much better when we’re together. Even if it’s not always like that. 

I mean, he still won’t let me paint every room a different colour… and I still won’t let him hang his ‘portal’ canvas in the living room. (No, darling, REALLY…)

 

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