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It’s still a bit of a nightmare…

14 Sep

When it rains, it pours…

In my case, the ‘pouring’ is happening in my toilet, from the roof, where it’s leaking. It’s dripping off the lamp, so that means no electricity in that ‘group’. For some reason, that group is basically all electricity in my house except for the bedroom, extra room and one wall (aka one socket) in the living room. It started leaking last Thursday, excellent timing. (Reported it, nothing has been done, because the cause is still unknown)

The ‘rain’, is in addition to the pleasant stress associated with planning to move in together, the trouble with my training programme has reached what I hope is it’s maximum. Had my evaluation on Friday. Basically they flunked me. Because of, essentially, the personal matters. Because, essentially, due to all the trouble I’ve been having with it, I’m far behind. Because they want to see me ‘reflect, evaluate and change my behaviour’. And more importantly, talk about it in a setting where I don’t feel safe talking about myself. And, of course, verbalise it in a way that suits them, not necessarily me. They want me to use the ‘I did’ form for everything, while I’ve learned to use a more neutral, descriptive way in order to deal with my internalising issues.

And because, somewhere, I ‘flipped’ into a character I don’t know, but I remember from long ago. I didn’t get much chance to ‘flip out’ again, because of the ongoing pressure, and I fully agree that that ‘character’ isn’t fit to practice. I’m not being me, I’m acting like someone that reminds me of when I was a scared girl in an unsafe world, at the mercy of others. A powerless child, misunderstood, and basically never good enough. I’m essentially trying to disappear.

It didn’t help that I wasn’t being heard when I did speak up. I’ve written enough about this.

I’ll hear in two weeks what my options are, in the meantime I still have to prove myself, because there still are ‘conditions’ for me to live up to at work, if I want to finish my training. I still have to ‘flip out’ of that character. I am essentially doing it, but I’m still not feeling up to full power yet. I also have to think about ‘what I need’ in terms of the ‘special tract’ I’ll be entering. Essentially that comes down to a magnifying glass while I prove that I can do this (and, yes, I still need to talk about myself, in a way that doesn’t ‘fit’ with me, and meanwhile -for my own sanity- not implode).

I’d need to know the options, really. I know one thing: if I had to make my own plan, I’d probably try to do the impossible with chances of burning myself out with all the consequences that has. I’m a woman who’s spent her life trying to be ‘good enough’, trying to fit in the ordinary world… and I was only diagnosed with my ADHD 3 years ago. All I’ve heard was ‘if you really want to, you can, so stop whining, stop making excuses’. While perseverance is a good thing, there is a point where you should stop. I may not be anorexic any more, but I still am capable of pushing myself too far. So please don’t ask me to make the plan of how I’m going to save this thing that’s really important to me: I want to prove that I can do it, and essentially do the entire year in half a year… preferably graduate with the guys I started with and -just because I’m mad- prove that I can be better than most in my group. So please, tell me the options, and tell me it’s impossible to do what I’d want to do… and then allow me to accept this ‘failure’.

Speaking about that little history of mine: the fact that I’m not dramatically underweight, tube fed, ‘bringing my honours to the porcelain god’ or… dead… proves that I’m capable of reflecting, analysing and changing my behaviour. I’ve come a pretty far way from the way I once was, went from essentially diminishing myself to fit into the world, to the woman I am today; I’m pretty strong, pretty resilient… and pretty much loved for who I am, not for who someone thinks I should be. Because I am more than enough. I was made to be me, not to be someone else.

I’m trying to understand what went wrong here, because I’m really not up for a rerun of this episode in my life. What is the lesson I can learn? Irrespective of the actual training programme. Was it the pressure to conform? Was it actually trying to conform? What triggered this sick cycle? And how do I get out of it? Is conforming ever really the answer? Am I wrong for dreaming of a world in which we can work together, each bringing their own valuable persona and their own valuable part? A world in which there is no majority, just love? In which we learn from each other, in which we all listen carefully to each other… see the beauty in one another?

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