I am bored.
Not just bored, but a special kind of bored.
I’m that kind of existential and unbearable bored that I think folks with ADHD know too well.
During the past months I’ve had a crazy amount of stress, which I went through without becoming that much crazier than normal. It wasn’t the good type of stress, but it’s stimulation… and generally my type of ADHD does well with stimulation. Chronic over stimulation is not good for me though, and it leads to an interesting combination of functioning extremely well while cracking. I’ve had stress related to school and work and such for a few months. Part of the stress was my own ADHD coping: I need the stimulation. Though, not all was my own doing and it went on for too long. In October I moved house (after some chaos related to having to deal with a leak for weeks on end), moved in together for the first time and I started in my new group at the faculty after the problems climaxed. I still had to work at the old practice, in November I switched to the new place. True, sometimes (ok, at some point more than some times), I was obviously stressed out. At other times I was riding it like a pro surfer. Like I said: cracking while shining.
There’s no way I could go on forever like that. I’ve tried, and it landed me in a depression. So, no, let’s not do that again. Things started to quiet down for me towards the end of December. I dealt with another virus (well done, body, for battling it off instead of letting me become really sick again!). Somewhere, I pulled through the worst of the backlash and then…
I became bored.
My system is used to being overstimulated, and now things have reached a peaceful place…
… and I can’t stand it.
It’s the unbearable boredom of being.
I understand that I’m kind of ‘ hooked’ on that over stimulation, and what I am going through is essentially stress withdrawal, but that doesn’t make it any more fun to go through.
I understand that I MUST do things that are enjoyable, and that I must sit this out and that it will get better at some point… but still.
What I’m feeling is something quite similar to depression, but at the same time not at all similar to depression. I feel very uninspired, or things that normally inspire me just don’t do it for me right now. All the boosts are short lived, and then I’m bored again. I’m then inclined to go for quick fixes, cheap thrills but that doesn’t really help much.
My mind, in general, needs heaps of stimulation in order to just ‘function’. Boredom is torment. Honestly, sometimes I just ‘ switch off’ and whoever is around me is left with a pretty useless grumpy chair filler. Nobody enjoys it, me least of all.
So, why not just go sensation seeking again?
For my own mental health’s sake I’m in a sort of recovery period. System fatigue makes everything worse.
My goal is nothing else than to have my system respond to my own normal level of stimulation. It’s too tired to do that now. Balance needs to be restored in order for me to get the most out of me.
And I think, in the end…
dealing with the boredom of being is part of dealing with me.
I don’t care if you want to call it a fault in my character, a fault in my neurobiology… or simply part of being a restless spirit and not a fault at all.