Category Archives: ADHD and relationships

So here we go, then.

June 8, 2015

We decided to ‘go for it’ about a month ago, perhaps a bit more. I think TDH was very decisive on it about a week after I told one of my best friends I wanted to get pregnant accidentally because I couldn’t imagine planning for something like that.

So here I am, planning for it.

TDH did not make the decision alone, of course.

It’s all really exciting, and somewhat scary.

I’m going to go off meds somehow, and considering it may just as well be sooner rather than later, I decided to ‘practice’ going on without it. I’ve had varying results, let’s just leave it at that.

I’m going to see a gynaecologist this week about the meds and a possible pregnancy. An option would be Effexor, except I don’t see how that should work for me given my sometimes scary results on antidepressants. And I don’t see how I’d want the baby’s first experience in life to be coming off one of the hardest antidepressants to come off of. Poor kid!

I’m taking folic acid and vitamin D, I’m eating more fruit and I’m not worrying about a kilo or two I may have gained for no real reason apart form bad choices: baby food!

We’ve sort of already stopped using contraception, but I’m not pregnant because I just had my period.

I want to talk about it all the time, but at the same time I want it to be a secret. (So I’m drafting this, posting it only AFTER announcing a pregnancy!)


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Busy baby due March 10!!

Busy baby due March 10!!

Yesterday marked week 10 of my pregnancy. I decided to blog about it because I couldn’t find much about ADHD and pregnancy so why not do something about it. 

Yes, I really am pregnant. It happened a little sooner than expected. Of course it did. My impulsive nature may or may not have something to do with it. Result: I won’t be going to my cousin’s wedding in South Africa. I will miss a chance to see my family again. 

So far I am doing well I think. Tired. Very tired. I have a cold now but the nausea has lessened. 

I went to the gynaecologist beforehand to talk about meds. Essentially I had to stop taking concerta by the end of the first trimester and I will be followed by a gyn (or rather a few different registrars) because of it. In the end I fell pregnant during my vacation off meds. I never really started back on them except for a few tablets for school. 

I’m definitely more ADHD although I am often too tired for the ‘H’. 

We found out a week after the engagement. 

Had a first sonogram last week. Really strange to see this tiny baby thing inside of me. He or she was moving! Or it’s my imagination. But I saw movement. And the heartbeat! 

TDH and I and the rest of the family are really happy. 

I’m going to talk again later as my eyelids are getting really heavy….


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We went to Croatia for a holiday and it was lovely. Just a week, but we saw so much! We went to Split, stayed in Podstrana, went to the Krka national park and went diving at Vela Luka. 

While diving we had a photographer with us, who at some point insisted he wanted to take photos of us. (Might add them later). After that the dive master showed us a clam. TDH kneeled and picked it up. 

I gestured he should put it down. 

He started opening it. 

I started fervently gesturing and screaming through my regulator. I didn’t want the clam to die! 

He showed that opened clam to me. 

I thought: do you really want me to watch it die?

I hesitantly looked. 

There was a ring in it. 

I nodded and signalled OK! 

We’re engaged!

The ring wasn’t the real ring. It was the one he practiced on. 

The what?

TDH went to ask my parents three months earlier, and went to my parents place every week to make the ring himself. My mum’s a goldsmith. 

He never did anything like this before. 

Definitely yes. 



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My first holiday season as ‘The Mrs’…

My first holiday season as ‘The Mrs’…

Right, so not formally married.

But for some experiences it really doesn’t matter if my name is Miss Darling or Mrs Handsome. Really.

We’ve been living together for 2 months now, and while some things are a mess, other things are going quite all right. The mess being everywhere in the house where I’ve been.

The Season to be Jolly has some challenges for me in general, but I can manage.

Having a man in the picture like this brings it’s own challenges. Some I’ve had to deal with last year, some I’m only experiencing this year.

I think I’m not the only woman facing this problem.

My family is celebrating a pretty traditional Christmas, with presents and church but without the sun, pool and possible braai. Too cold for that! But I really really miss my summer Christmases. TDH’s family is celebrating some cross between Sinterklaas and New Years this year; the concept being basically a ‘secret santa’ with a teasing surprise on New Years Eve. Not quite sure how that developed.

We don’t have any decorations up, except for cards. I couldn’t make my mind up about the tree until now, and I’m not getting a tree 4 days before Christmas. I feel bad for a tree that had to grow 20 years just to dry out in my living room, and since someone pointed out the landfill fake trees create that’s not really an option either. I had a potted tree 2 years ago, managed to allow it to survive through August before it died. I’m thinking a smaller potted tree again. At least it has a chance, you know?

Oh. Cards. Still need to write those.

Holiday season as ‘the Mrs’ consists -and will probably continue to consist- of the following type of scenarios:

The Wish List
He doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t know what he wants because his favourite activities consist of playing tennis, reading free downloads on his e-reader and playing on his computer. TDH is more Spanish than Dutch in the end, except for his love of cheap and/or free things. The ideal gift for him would probably be the gift of not wanting or needing anything and/or being Superman. Kind of hard to wrap that, you know? He also still has a few unused vouchers. (I think we counted the total value to a few hundred euro’s)

Over the past year and a half, Christmas/New Klaas and his birthday invariably had me in the interesting position of my family asking me what he wants, his family asking me what he wants AND having to figure out what to give him myself.

This year he finally succumbed and has a wish list! This really helped when the second round of messages, e-mails and phone calls came in to ask if I’ve figured out what he wants yet.

My advice for other Mrs would actually be to keep track of his wishes throughout the year because men don’t know what they want if you ask them.

The idea of gift-giving is, after all, to pamper the others.

The Making of Plans
Is this one of those automatic female roles you get as a woman? Just curious!
See, I’m not good at making plans. I don’t know what my tomorrow brings, usually. My concept of time has 3 times: now, and now now and incomprehensibly far in the future. South-Africans will understand. Now now is a special kind of not now.

Yet, I find myself being the one approached about the holiday plans.


I don’t know. Will get back to you later.

Shucks. It’s the 20th of December and ‘Incomprehensibly far in the future’ has suddenly dropped into ‘now now’ or even ‘now!’.

Luckily I’ve learned to write things down in a planner, so there are a few things I can look up in order to give an answer to those hard questions!



And then, once we have established the wish lists, it’s time to go shopping. TDH wants to do it ‘together’.

Not sure how that works. He was present, true, and he did the clicking and typing for one of the online orders, after I had to think of the text and such. And he helped pick one other gift, while another wasn’t available when we went. Effectively. I’m not complaining, just evaluating. Without me, I think everyone would be getting vouchers.

So I bought our gifts, went shopping with my mum for his gift from them, and just now got phoned by my sister trying to buy him a gift. And the Christmas cards, but that was my idea anyway.

All in all I’m not mad or frustrated, just amused.

Can’t say I’m doing ‘nothing’ you know?

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Posted by on December 20, 2014 in ADHD and relationships, Dear Diary


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We fight, we make up….

Show me a couple who never fights…. 

There’s a thing called ‘healthy’ fighting I believe. Arguing is a better word, because physical violence is never OK. It’s all part of simply being two different people in one relationship. You live, you learn, you fight, you make up…. you learn. 

We both have a dash of temperament. (I don’t think we’ll have the most mellow of kids. If that were the case I’d request a DNA test!)

We always sort it out though. I’d love to have a rule ‘do not go to bed angry’ but TDH needs more mood-processing time than I do. 

Nope, it’s not true that men are always the ones to get over it sooner. I know the stereotype says she is mad at him for days for something he didn’t really ‘get’… with us it’s the other way round. 

Sometimes we annoy each other, sometimes we push each other over their limits, sometimes we don’t talk when we should (mainly TDH), sometimes we talk when we shouldn’t (mainly BD)… I’ve smashed my phone (ok, accidentally, I missed the sofa when throwing it on the sofa) when we fought over Whatsapp. He’s been angry at me for three days (and I really can’t remember what it was about). I’ve tried leaving at 2:30 AM, he had to stop me. He’s threatened to leave me behind at the train station. I’ve hung op the phone on him. He’s refused to accept the eco foods crate I ordered for him. (Because of something to do with wallpaper). 

But we always make up. Sometimes I’m the one saying sorry, sometimes it’s him, sometimes it’s both, sometimes we discover we’ve been arguing to prove exactly the same point using different arguments. 

And we learn. We learn about each other, we learn about ourselves too. At least, I do. Can’t speak for someone else. We forgive. 

In the end, we come out stronger. 


Posted by on September 7, 2014 in ADHD and relationships, Relationships


In other news… Moving In Together!

I’ll be doing a new theme on this blog: relationship(s) and adult ADHD. My aim of this blog still is to give a reflection of my life, me and my ADHD. You could say it’s an ADHD ‘lifestyle’ blog but what bothers me is that a lifestyle is something that you choose. ADHD is not something I chose, it’s just the way I’m wired. If 90% of the people were wired that way, this blog would have no reason to exist as it is. But given the fact that 95-99% of people are NOT wired this way, it makes things a bit more, er, interesting. I enjoy writing, and I hope people enjoy reading. I even have a small bit of hope that it can mean a bit more sometimes. 

As you all know, I’m in a long term relationship with Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome, aka TDH. Things are going well between us. Really well. He’s my pull and I’m his push, except early in the morning when I can not be moved in any direction at all. We love each other. 

We will be moving in together. A massive step. 

He must be nuts to want to live with me. Seriously. This blog isn’t called ‘A Devastatingly Heavenly Darling’ for nothing. 

This is going to be a very exciting time, possibly somewhat trying every now and again. 

A period in which I think we both will learn a lot, about each other, about ourselves, about simply making it work. 

We’re not going into this as a ‘test run’ to ‘see if it works out’. We’re committed to each other, and we’re both motivated to see how it works out. Look, every relationship may fail, even after many years. The plan is not to let it fail, the plan is to let it work and to have an amazing life together. We are figuring out how to do that. So far, so good. 

We’re both new to this, but so far we’ve learned that it’s important to keep communicating… and as Kelly Flaningan points out in his Marriage Manifesto, it’s not about our own selfish needs. It’s about us, it’s about loving the other. It’s about, you know, being a couple.

I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. I can live without TDH. 

But I don’t want to. I want to be with him. 

He makes me so much better, he says I do the same to him. Life is just so much better when we’re together. Even if it’s not always like that. 

I mean, he still won’t let me paint every room a different colour… and I still won’t let him hang his ‘portal’ canvas in the living room. (No, darling, REALLY…)


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