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Tag Archives: adult ADHD

Pregnancy and ADHD…

You know that thing called pregnancy brain? You know that thing called ADHD?

In general, my state is the love child of the two of them. I feel hazy most of the time. I lose time, not knowing where it went and what I did with it. I forget things. I have trouble getting anything significant done. I am distracted.

And my hyperactivity is nowhere to be found. I feel hazy and a bit lethargic. I’m more tired than usual, I suppose that’s part of the why.

Class is a nightmare. I spend the day just trying to not fall asleep or fall off my chair. I can’t focus one bit.  Their way of educating me is still not a way in which I can learn… and I leave with muscle aches and a horrible mood.

I mean, I don’t want to complain too much and generally my mood is good, but there’s just this one part that is frustrating.

Next time I’m going to make sure to enter pregnancy with a better level of physical fitness.

Next time I’m going to have more of a plan set up before hand. Hah. Hah. Hah.

Next time I probably won’t be working irregular shifts though, that will help a lot.

Irregular shifts don’t help me at all, despite not doing nights. Having to plan every single day doesn’t work for me. I need some sort of structure in my week, so I can spend my scarce mental focus doing more important things than figuring out how and when I’m going to get my exercise in this week, for example, because most of my options are screwed over because of work.

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Posted by on November 23, 2015 in ADHD, ADHD in women, adult ADHD, Busy Baby, Work

 

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Motherhood impending….

I’m 11w3 days today. Sitting in the passenger seat of Padda while TDH is driving us home from his parents. We had his sister’s bachelorette party and her fiancé’ bachelors party yesterday. 

Bachelorette parties that include cocktail workshops are a bit different without alcohol. After all, a virgin cocktail is essentially a fancy fruit juice. The irony being that the reason why I need a virgin cocktail has everything to do with not being a virgin. I should have had a Virgin Mary….

I’m really grateful that TDH is driving. Fatigue and being off meds make an hour and a half a long time to be focusing on driving. I’m slowly doing better in the fatigue department and I’m past the morning sickness. Apparently the placenta will take over in the next week or so and I can look forward to the next stage of pregnancy. 

I must say I was struggling over the past weeks. I tend to ‘forget’ that when I do manage to get stuff done. I was dead tired and my head was either exploding or very foggy. Doesn’t help with uni, doesn’t help with something TDH wanted me to do that cost some focus. Rather frustrating. I was too tired to get my limited focus ability to function. 

My mood is generally good despite the struggles, and I don’t think I am more emotional than normally but perhaps TDH is a better judge of that. 

I think I am starting to show a tiny bit. I had a tiny tummy! 

Sometimes I worry a bit that Baby may not be OK… At some point I remembered my grandma and realised: this is never going to end. Better learn to deal with it! 

It’s all part of impending motherhood. 

 
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Posted by on August 23, 2015 in ADHD, ADHD in women, adult ADHD, Busy Baby

 

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No longer tolerating meds?

No longer tolerating meds?

A brief history.

I started taking Ritalin and then Concerta about 3 years ago, maybe a bit more. I remember how calm I became the first time I took it. I then eventually ended up taking 72mg of Concerta each morning, and 54 in the afternoon.

Last year, when I went off the Pill and we opted for non-hormonal contraception instead… or after I settled into a more natural rhythm? I suddenly found myself not tolerating the higher doses as well. I went down to 54mg and 36mg and sometimes used Ritalin when I didn’t want to use another dose of Concerta. I ended up using 36mg and 18mg for a few months.

And now I’m having some trouble staying focused on my work but I’m too scared to take half a tablet of Ritalin (which I eventually just did) because it feels too strong now. I don’t know why that is.

A few weeks ago I started swimming on Saturday mornings, in order to get fitter. Because I wanted to see how it goes without… and because I exercise better without meds, I didn’t take anything on Saturdays. I also started taking vitamin supplements.

About a week and a half ago I felt really awful on Friday, figured it must be the allergies. I felt better in the evening and on my med-free Saturday. I skipped Sunday too. I only took the 18mg on Monday because I had this idea that I want to see how it goes. I had some trouble with it on Monday, my mind being too busy.

Took my normal dose on Tuesday and it felt horrible.

Took 18mg on Wednesday and it felt half as horrible, but still found myself waiting for it to wear off so I can feel normal again.

And that was the last time I took it, until now.

I was hyper, but pretty focused and such, for my doing at least.

I don’t know why.

Perhaps I’m just in a good spot ‘naturally’. I mean, I’m having trouble studying but that’s about the hardest thing for me to do!!

 
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Posted by on June 14, 2015 in ADHD, ADHD in women, adult ADHD

 

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The Unbearable Boredom of Being.

I am bored.

Not just bored, but a special kind of bored.

I’m that kind of existential and unbearable bored that I think folks with ADHD know too well.

During the past months I’ve had a crazy amount of stress, which I went through without becoming that much crazier than normal. It wasn’t the good type of stress, but it’s stimulation… and generally my type of ADHD does well with stimulation. Chronic over stimulation is not good for me though, and it leads to an interesting combination of functioning extremely well while cracking. I’ve had stress related to school and work and such for a few months. Part of the stress was my own ADHD coping: I need the stimulation. Though, not all was my own doing and it went on for too long. In October I moved house (after some chaos related to having to deal with a leak for weeks on end), moved in together for the first time and I started in my new group at the faculty after the problems climaxed. I still had to work at the old practice, in November I switched to the new place. True, sometimes (ok, at some point more than some times), I was obviously stressed out. At other times I was riding it like a pro surfer. Like I said: cracking while shining.

There’s no way I could go on forever like that. I’ve tried, and it landed me in a depression. So, no, let’s not do that again. Things started to quiet down for me towards the end of December. I dealt with another virus (well done, body, for battling it off instead of letting me become really sick again!). Somewhere, I pulled through the worst of the backlash and then…

I became bored.

My system is used to being overstimulated, and now things have reached a peaceful place…

… and I can’t stand it.

It’s the unbearable boredom of being.

I understand that I’m kind of ‘ hooked’  on that over stimulation, and what I am going through is essentially stress withdrawal, but that doesn’t make it any more fun to go through.

I understand that I MUST do things that are enjoyable, and that I must sit this out and that it will get better at some point… but still.

What I’m feeling is something quite similar to depression, but at the same time not at all similar to depression. I feel very uninspired, or things that normally inspire me just don’t do it for me right now. All the boosts are short lived, and then I’m bored again. I’m then inclined to go for quick fixes, cheap thrills but that doesn’t really help much.

My mind, in general, needs heaps of stimulation in order to just ‘function’. Boredom is torment. Honestly, sometimes I just ‘ switch off’  and whoever is around me is left with a pretty useless grumpy chair filler. Nobody enjoys it, me least of all.

So, why not just go sensation seeking again?

Fatigue.

For my own mental health’s sake I’m in a sort of recovery period. System fatigue makes everything worse.

My goal is nothing else than to have my system respond to my own normal level of stimulation. It’s too tired to do that now. Balance needs to be restored in order for me to get the most out of me.

That’s all.

That’s everything.

And I think, in the end…

dealing with the boredom of being is part of dealing with me.

I don’t care if you want to call it a fault in my character, a fault in my neurobiology… or simply part of being a restless spirit and not a fault at all.

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2015 in adult ADHD

 

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Update on the school situation

I haven’t posted much about it lately, and what I have posted was mainly very emotional and very frustrated.

Long story short:
I have been placed into a group that started half a year later, so basically, I’m already finishing half a year later than planned originally. This brings me on an education duration of just under 10 years, post secondary school. Given that it takes 9 years if everything goes smoothly…. taking 9 months longer doesn’t matter that much I suppose. The difference between the old group, the one I couldn’t manage studying in, and this one is enormous. It makes me a bit angry still: had I been placed in a different group to begin with, things would have been different. Had this been an option over half a year ago, when I told the mentors this wasn’t working for me, things would have been different.
But they are what they are now, and I’m just relieved that I am now in a position where I can actually learn something. I no longer have to go to extremes to read a bunch of text I can’t focus on, or sit through 3-hour sessions and receive a negative evaluation because I didn’t respond enthusiastically to a discussion about some detail after 2,5 hours of being unable to focus any more. The pace is a lot higher, and there is a lot less emphasis on theoretical details… and a lot more emphasis on what we’re going to do with this. What makes the difference, you may ask… Well… the students.
I do still find uni days long… It’s still too much interaction with a chair. I don’t think that will change. But it’s better now.

I’ve also switched to a different practice and a different preceptor. It’s different. Nothing personal towards the previous one, to be honest, I know she tried and I tried and we kept on missing each other’s point and we kept on confusing each other… It just really didn’t work, and that was horribly stressful. New place is bigger, more organised, and just different. I now have a male preceptor, who was hand-picked for me because he is very experienced as a preceptor. He is. Just not sure what that says about me.

The whole situation has had more of an impact on me than I’d like, and I’m still working on regaining my confidence and de-stressing. Small things freak me out, (small things were the problem last time!)… I worry a lot more, find myself more anxious than I normally am. Of course, some things latched onto some of my ‘issues’, and I have to deal with that too. Not fun. But I’ll be OK in the end.

I’ll also see how it goes with training now.

And guess what? They even have a pic of the doctor set I used to have as a kid on the internet!

 

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‘Normal’ seems pretty overrated!

My two cents on the issue from this NYT article… The one promising a natural fix for ADHD.

Without trying to dismiss the burden of having ADHD: I think they have a partial point. Speaking for myself: 90% of my problems related to ADHD has everything to do with ‘normal’ people.

ADHD is not a ‘psychiatric illness’ that needs ‘fixing’.

I see ADHD as a neurobiological variety which needs special attention (pun intended) in today’s society. The problem with it is real, the burden is real.

ADHD is formulated as a disorder by normal people. The DSM was not written by ADHD individuals.

Saying ADHD is a disease or an illness is the same as saying I am a disease or illness. ADHD is how I am. Not to say I am a bunch of symptoms, but I have ADHD in the same way as I have dark blue green eyes and a skin type 3 according to skin cancer risk charts.

A fair skinned person needs sunscreen else they burn in the normal sun. I need concerta, else I burn in daily life. Knowing I have ADHD helped me look at myself and the troubles in a different way, so I can find a better way to deal with life in the West in the 2010’s. ADHD individuals are a minority, you know.

But I don’t think the world could do without us.

I’ve been through a lot lately, and thanks to my ADHD I’ve been riding the buzz, and actually: I am ok. (Apart from some non ADHD issues). In part, I suppose, I am also OK because I’ve learned from prior experience.

I hate how ‘normal’ is seen as something desirable. I’m grateful that I am not ‘normal’.

It seems extremely dull, to be honest.

I’m just me, and can’t speak for everyone that has anything to do with ADHD…

A few random points:
– No, I am mostly incapable of sitting still for as long as most non ADHD individuals. Guess what? Normal people usually need more exercise than they’re getting. Sitting still is overrated: the only times I actually need to sit still are times in which it bothers others if I don’t. I’m not bothered by my tapping foot!

– I lack the ability to think in ‘boxes’. It is a gift, really.

-actually: understimulation stress is a real problem for me. Boredom can cause me physical pain. The flip side? When stimulated I can do twice as much. ‘Normal’ people can’t always handle the amount of stimulation I need. Why is that a problem? I can’t focus in a white room, they can’t focus in my living room. Why exactly is my white room problem any worse than their living room problem? Because I am part of the 3-5%?? I am also probably part of the 3-5% when it comes to IQ, and that’s not a problem, is it?

– I don’t fully understand why schools and uni’s work like they do. My observation is that most normal students would do better with the study adjustments I’d need too.

– Normal people usually don’t have the amazing high-energy creativity ADHD individuals often have.

– Just imagine: having a quiet mind most of the time, not being able to do multiple things at once, sitting on your bum all day, only thinking of one thing at the same time, not being able to think clearly during high adrenaline moments… (Tip: choose an ED doc with ADHD!!)… Imagine having so much trouble thinking out of the box! I mean, normal would be handy sometimes, but it seems awful to be normal all the time. It seems horribly boring. I’d miss my fantasy, I’d miss my random brilliant ideas… (Have I told you about the chai hot chocolate I invented the other night because I was curious how that would work out?) I’d miss the intense joy I can experience. I’d miss the ability to think the way I do, I’d miss …
Me.

Yes, ADHD has it’s problems.

Being normal has its problems too, actually.

We are all people.

And I believe my God isn’t going to ‘fix’ my ADHD because He made me like that.

Saying that my ADHD is an illness is devaluating.

I am not broken in that sense, I do not need a natural or unnatural fix. I just got a more challenging set of cards to play in a world that is -quite frankly- rather control freakish and boring. Good thing I like a challenge!

I am Busy Darling. Never a dull moment.

 
 

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Energy

I wonder if this is a typical ADHD thing, or if it’s just something everyone deals with to some extent….

Just a little observation of mine lately:

It’s almost as if I have a certain threshold to pass before I’m fully ‘switched on’. For example: my time-per-patient has recently been changed from 20 minutes to 15 minutes. The result? I’m seeing most patients within 10 minutes (the actual allotted time per patient I’m supposed to be working towards). And I use the rest of the time to deal with other patient-care related stuff. Funniest part of all? I go home with more energy. 

Sometimes it’s like my brain has a sort of a flat-wave ‘zone’: not enough stimuli, and I find it hard to keep my brain ‘functioning’ well and sometimes I even struggle to kick start it. Perhaps it’s the stress-and-ADHD thing. You know, that ‘when the going get tough, the tough get going’ thing. I need to be challenged. If I get bored, I switch off. Get me switched on and I can do twice what ‘normal’ people can do. (Sometimes in half the time, like when I studied for the acute care exam) 

The only problem is: it can be equally hard to switch off by myself once I’m switched on, so I need to be careful in order to prevent burning myself out. 

Sometimes, I suppose, my brain seriously does not want to be phoned out of bed for THAT… I think all doc’s who have ever been on call know what I mean. 

 
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Posted by on September 9, 2014 in adult ADHD, General Practice

 

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